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Wednesday, March 9, 2016

THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS WHAT THEY SEEM TO BE

This may seem like the typical telegram
your friends would have sent you
after you've successfully murdered your husband:

 But it was actually sent as a response to this:


Sure, some things are obvious,
like this palm tree:

But others may lead you astray.

For instance, you might think this is a chameleon:


You'd probably expect a menu's description
to be more descriptive:

These are not sexy nuns--well, maybe they are--
but they are sexy bar stools:

These might be too sexy, even for nuns:

This mural:

Don't believe everything you see in the newspaper:

This is a picture of a duck:

Or is it a rabbit?

This is not an old man in dire need of a haircut;
it's a snowball at the moment of impact:

A wart on a balloon?
No, it's the dark side of the moon passing
over Earth as seen from space: 

This package does not contain a large green dinosaur 
who is sick & has a friend who is kindly trying to push him 
to Mt. Sinai Hospital for treatment:

A swan?  No, a hand:

Regardless of what you think you see, 
this book is not about
Muppet's experiments with homosexuality:

This teacher does not have a glandular problem.
She is waiting for the party to begin in the gym:

Spiderman is not that well hung, 
just poorly designed:

He didn't leave his desk:


Want some candy?:


You could always buy some at Wall*Mart:

Or grab a snack here:

They probably just opened:

After all this, you need a hug:
(Most pictures from BuzzFeed)



When Bud was in the Army he met John "Combat" "Nails" Ragan.  He got the name "Combat" by being the only one to go through 16 (instead of 8) weeks of basic training.  "Nails" came from when he was found using the only "church key" can opener (before the days of pop top cans) to clean his fingernails.  Anyway, John was a passenger in a car & he had some letters to be mailed.  He yelled to the driver, "Stop!!"  He jumped out, mail in hand & ran up to a short, rather stout lady who was wearing a red blouse & blue slacks.  He looked at her & said, "Pardon me, madam, I thought you were a mailbox!" & got back in the car.  (You know even I couldn't make this stuff up!!)
------------------------------
I bought a pet rock once—it died.
------------------------------
A guy gets into a taxi after a night out and halfway through the trip home he decides to stop and buy cigarettes.

He taps the driver on the shoulder and suddenly the driver screams, swerves across the road and mounts the sidewalk stopping just short of a brick wall.

All was quiet for a few moments and then the driver turns around and says "Don't ever tap me on the shoulder while I'm driving ever again."

The guy says, "I'm sorry, I didn't know it would scare you so much."

The driver replies, "It wouldn't normally but this is my first night as a taxi driver and up until yesterday, for twenty five years, I was driving a hearse!!"
------------------------------
In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how society's ideal of beauty changes with time. 

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" 

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well." 

"Why is that?" asked the professor. 

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old!"
------------------------------
During an Interview the employer asked the job candidate, "How long did u work during your last job?"

Candidate: "30 years."

Employer: "What's your age?"

Candidate: "20."

The Employer was surprised and asked the candidate that how it was possible that he was only 20 & had an experience of 30 years.

Candidate: "Overtime."
------------------------------
A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.

The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away.  He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.  He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand.  So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again.  In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home.

When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.  He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.

When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night.  He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." You maintained your innocence until... the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."
------------------------------
There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. 

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." 

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. 

"When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. 

"I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards in the cab. The cab driver just drives away. 

"I go home, and when I get inside, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. 

"And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
------------------------------
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. 
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" 

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." 

The Pastor asked, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas & Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
------------------------------
A none-too-sharp city fellow bought a farm & decided to raise pigs.  He found places to have his sow serviced at one, five & ten miles down the road.  They, conveniently for this joke, charged one, five & ten dollars, respectively.  He figured they're all about the same so he put the sow in the wheelbarrow & took her to the one dollar place, had her serviced & wheeled her back home.  

The next morning he looked out his window & didn't see any little pigs.  He figured that the first place must have been too cheap to be any good, so he put her back in the wheelbarrow & pushed her to the five dollar stud farm, had her serviced & wheeled her back home.  

The next morning there were still no little pigs to be seen.  He thought to himself, “You get what you pay for” so off to the ten dollar farm he went, pushing the sow in the wheelbarrow.  

The next morning he was too tired & achy to get out of bed so he asked his wife to look out the window & count the baby pigs.  She told him, “There are no baby pigs, but the sow’s waiting in the wheelbarrow!!” 
----------------------------
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.

The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.

The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." 
-----------------------------
Erica is walking out of a movie theater at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder.

Erica turns to the man and says, "Your parrot actually seemed to enjoy the movie.  It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even squawked during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be."

The man turns to Erica and says "I don't understand it either.... he didn't like the book at all".

------------------------------
A guy goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one beer chaser. The bartender lines up seven shots and goes to get the beer.

When he comes back with the beer only moments later, all seven shots were gone.  The bartender says, "Wow! You sure drank those fast."  The guy explains, "You'd drink fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"  The guy reaches into his pocket and says, "Fifty cents!"

------------------------------
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."  So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.

------------------------------
There is a knock on the pearly gates.  Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

A moment later there’s another knock.  Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again.

“Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.

“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. “They're trying to resuscitate me.”
------------------------------
A cannibal chief invited over another cannibal chief from a different tribe over for dinner. They sit down and enjoy a wonderful meal.

After dinner, the visiting cannibal chief said, "Wow, that was good! Your wife makes the best meat."

Then the other cannibal chief said, "Yeah, I'm gonna miss her..."

------------------------------


A normal painting in/of an art museum?
Guess again!!



Here are the lyrics:

It ain't necessarily so
It ain't necessarily so
The t'ings dat yo' li'ble
To read in de Bible,
It ain't necessarily so.

Li'l David was small, but oh my !
Li'l David was small, but oh my !
He fought Big Goliath
Who lay down an' dieth !
Li'l David was small, but oh my !

Wadoo, zim bam boddle-oo,
Hoodle ah da wa da,
Scatty wah !
Oh yeah !...

Oh Jonah, he lived in de whale,
Oh Jonah, he lived in de whale,
Fo' he made his home in
Dat fish's abdomen.
Oh Jonah, he lived in de whale.

Li'l Moses was found in a stream.
Li'l Moses was found in a stream.
He floated on water
Till Ol' Pharaoh's daughter,
She fished him, she said, from dat stream.

Wadoo ...

Well, it ain't necessarily so
Well, it ain't necessarily so
Dey tells all you chillun
De debble's a villun,
But it ain't necessarily so !

To get into Hebben
Don' snap for a sebben !
Live clean ! Don' have no fault !
Oh, I takes dat gospel
Whenever it's pos'ble,
But wid a grain of salt.

Methus'lah lived nine hundred years,
Methus'lah lived nine hundred years,
But who calls dat livin'
When no gal will give in
To no man what's nine hundred years ?

I'm preachin' dis sermon to show,
It ain't nece-ain't nece
Ain't nece-ain't nece
Ain't necessarily ... so !


Think this is our new 
Men's Olympic Synchronized Swimming Team?
Think again!!



This may seem like a news report.
Click here.




(Borrowed from River)

































If you think Bud & I aren't sending smart genes down the road--we just heard that our Connecticut granddaughter Lisa is graduating college Phi Beta Kappa!!

Why don't they sell fleas at a flea market?----fishducky