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Wednesday, March 23, 2016

THINGS ARE TOUGH ALL OVER

Sorry--I forgot to click "Publish"!!

How's life treating you?



(The first two sections were sent to me by this handsome dude
at crankyoldman.blogspot.com)


The recession has hit everybody really hard.

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words. 

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. 

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
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HOW TO HANDLE AN ACCIDENTAL PREGNANCY:


An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was-a the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.  I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.  I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.  Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.  If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.  If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.  However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"


At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shotgun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder, looks him directly in the eyes and tells him, "You-a gonna  try again!!"






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IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A JOB:


Two young men applied for an engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. 



Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question. 

The manager went up to one of the guys and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." 

The engineer said, "But why, we both got nine questions right?" 

The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed." 

The engineer asked, "And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" 

The manager replied, "Simple, the other engineer put down on question number five, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'Neither do I'." 
















If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before----fishducky