If you think what I
write is weird, take a look at some of these ACTUAL headlines:
(Idea stolen taken from joeh--crankyoldman.blogspot.com)
· Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
He's probably right.
· Police Begin Campaign
to Run Down Jaywalkers
Take careful aim before driving.
· Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
· Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
I say beat the crap out of them!
· Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
· Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
He should have played the bass fiddle.
· Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
· Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
That I'd like to see!
· Farmer Bill Dies in
House
I, for one, will miss him.
· Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
· Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
I think he'd be better off with a different
head.
· Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
· Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Personal hygiene is very important.
· Stud Tires Out
· Stud Tires Out
What did he expect?
· Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
· Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
And a lot of other guys.
· Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
· Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
If they're both adults, it's nobody else's
business.
· Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
· Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
How many times can you be a virgin?
· Eye Drops off Shelf
· Eye Drops off Shelf
Clumsy!
· Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
· Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
They deserved it!
· Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
· Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Never believe a politician!
· Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
· Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Dogs don't usually need
help!
· Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
· Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
What else does he carry in that bag?
· Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
· Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
He's lucky she didn't have a gun.
· Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
· Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
That's why they're called "air"planes.
· Miners Refuse to Work after Death
· Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those damn unions!
· Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
· Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
That ought to work.
· Stolen Painting Found by Tree
· Stolen Painting Found by Tree
It now works for NCIS.
· Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
· Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Did they try mouth to bow resuscitation?
· Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at Checkout Counter
· Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at Checkout Counter
A record is set for longest checkout line.
· Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
· Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
And if you don't change your attitude, we'll do
it again!
· Drunken Drivers Paid
$1000 in `84
I don't think they deserve more than $250.00
each.
· War Dims Hope for Peace
· War Dims Hope for Peace
Why would that be?
· If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
· If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Or even longer!
· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
· Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
I knew there was a good reason.
· Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
· Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
So do I.
· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
· Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
I know it's hard to cut through red tape, but
that's ridiculous.
· Deer Kill 17,000
Much more successful than the cow with an ax!
Much more successful than the cow with an ax!
· Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
He still needs another charge?
· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
· New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
How fat do you have to be to qualify?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These came in an email from Melynda:
I walked into a hair salon with my
husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a
shampoo and a blow job?"? I turned around and walked back out and
never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was at the golf store
comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's
type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was
approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He
asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I
think I like playing with men's balls".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My sister and I were at
the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As
we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if
we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your
nuts.'" My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy
grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has
never let me forget.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While in line at the
bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy
and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving
looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if
she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my
horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing
Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this
enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I
mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever asked your
child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of
problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we
stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very
busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled
something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter; she
was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked
him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' ...I kept thinking 'Oh Lord,
that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,'
he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because
the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did
you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent
over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me
for the best laugh they'd ever had!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This had most of the
state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news
anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What
happens when you predict snow but don't get any?
We had a female news
anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So, Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised
me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too, they were laughing so hard!
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did, too, they were laughing so hard!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And how about some odd
musings:
"Penguins mate for
life. Which doesn't really surprise me, 'cause they all look exactly
alike. Its not like they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin
someday."
--Ellen DeGeneres
--Ellen DeGeneres
"We've all done
this because we're so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick
your head out the window, and go,"Mooo!!" Like we expect the cow to
think, "Hey there's another cow driving a car! How can she afford
that?"
Be sure brain is engaged before putting mouth in gear
