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Tuesday, May 17, 2016

WHO'S CALLING, PLEASE?





(This first joke is from Susan at "I Think; Therefore I Yam"--thank you, Susan!!)


Mary Lou checked into a motel on her 65th Birthday. She was lonely, and a little depressed at her advancing age, so she decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself "Tender Tony", a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns.  She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"  Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she blurted, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.  No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.  We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything--I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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For many years Helen worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, her supervisor told her she was up for a promotion. A month later, her supervisor called her into his office and told her the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? She clearly wasn't doing her job. Every time he saw her, she was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
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Here in New York City they are converting telephone booths into Wi-Fi hot spots. Because we have very few phone booths left, Clark Kent (Superman) has to use the men's room at Starbucks.--David Letterman
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Rachel decides to do some shopping at the mall and manages to persuade her husband Moishe to join her. After 2 hours of looking around one women's clothes store after another, Rachel suddenly realizes that Moishe is no longer with her. So she calls him on his cell phone to see 'what's what'.

"Nu? So where are you?" she angrily asks Moishe. "I thought we were shopping together."

"Don't get broyges, darling," replies Moishe. "Do you remember the jewelry shop by the escalator in the middle of the mall, the one we spent time in last year and where we saw a lovely gold necklace for you but which was just a little bit too expensive for us to buy and where I said I would get it for you one day?"

"Yes, of course I do, darling" replies Rachel excitedly. "Why do you ask?"

"Well, I'm in the cafe next door to that jewelry store eating an ice cream."
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There’s an old joke about a guy who’s bragging in a bar.  He says, “My wife & I know everything!”  Someone says, “If you’re so smart, explain the theory of relativity.”  The first guy thinks for a minute & tells him, “My WIFE knows that!”  That’s how I feel about the modern electronics age.  I used to be able to go to a restaurant with my family & wonder aloud what time it is in Iceland or who played the villain in an old movie.  That, at least, gave you something to talk about for a while even if you didn’t really care about the answer.  No more.  Now, if I should happen to muse about Iceland’s time zone, someone will whip out a phone, click a couple of buttons & tell me, “It’s 7:30 pm PST here in California & Iceland is 8 hours ahead of us, so it’s 3:30 am UTC/GMT tomorrow there.”  That’s already more than I really wanted to know.  Then they will continue, “GMT is Greenwich Mean Time.  UTC is Coordinated Universal Time or in French: Temps Universel Cordonne.  UTC was decided as the acronym because it was thought CUT or TUC were not appropriate.  GMT & UTC are the same.”  I’m surprised they didn’t tell me how to make a watch.  I’ll have to ask them the time, sometime…


My phone when I was a kid:
A phone for a kid when I had little kids:

Little kid's phones now:














Stupidity kills, but not fast enough----fishducky