Wednesday, May 25, 2016


 Sign above the urinal at a golf course:

(To read one of my older posts on golf, click here.)

A group of men live & die for their Saturday morning golf game. One moves away & they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their golf club. When she hears the men talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?"

No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m." He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem, & asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp, & beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun & pleasant, & the men are impressed. They congratulate her & invite her back the next week. She smiles, & says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant & a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the men. This week she plays right-handed, & narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming & complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, & finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, & grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies.

"I like to switch back & forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left , I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
Four ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees & runs across the green.

The four ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ”He is definitely not my husband.”

The second lady, gazes at his manhood & says, ”He’s not mine either.”

The third lady looks & says, “Not mine.”

After a very considered inspection, the fourth lady finally says, “He's not even a member of this club!”
True story:

Some professional golfer--I think it was Sam Snead--once had an interesting dream.  This is how I remember it:

He was playing in a major tournament.  He tees off on the first hole, a short par 3.  The ball drops in for a hole in one!  He thinks, "What a great start!!"  

The 2nd hole is longer--a par 5.  He hits a powerful drive, which goes a little to the left.  It bounces off a tree & lands on the green, where it rolls into the cup.  He can't believe his luck. 

Holes 3 through 17, all are somehow holes in one!! He tees up on 18, confident that he's about to get a score of 18 for the round.  He swings, hits & the ball heads straight for the flag.  It drops on the green & rolls toward the hole--& stops, 1 inch short.  

He's going to get an unbelievable & never-before-made score of 19 for the day, but he had the same reaction as any golfer would have to that shot.  He said, "Oh, shit!!"

Another true story (from an old post):

Barbara & I & our husbands took an Alaskan cruise.  She & I played virtual golf on board the ship one day.  Assisting us was a prim & proper young British crew member, who will be known as Reggie.  (Let me explain what virtual golf is.  You swing a real golf club & hit what is essentially a “whiffle” ball.  The ball hits a screen showing a golf course.  Your ball shows up on the screen at the spot it “landed” on the course.  You hit your next shot from there.)  

We played with borrowed, ill-fitting men’s clubs.  I hit my first shot & I can’t find it.  Reggie tells me, “Madam, it’s by the tree”.  Barbara hits hers & can’t find it.  Reggie says, “Madam, it’s in the sand trap.”  Reggie asks us if we've played before.  We tell him, “Of course--we play regularly!”  I hit again.  He locates it.  Barb hits again.  “Madam, it’s behind the clubhouse.  Just hit it over the clubhouse.”  

She hits it again & asks where it went.  A very exasperated Reggie sighs deeply & says, “Madam, I haven’t the vaguest idea!”

One more true story:

My cousin's husband was playing golf with Bud & two other friends.  He hit a long drive & his ball landed on what appeared to be a pile of wet leaves next to a water hazard.  He walked up to the ball & almost disappeared.  The water hazard extended further than he thought & he sank into it up to his chest!!  

He did what any dedicated golfer would do.  He got into the golf cart, drove to the pro shop, bought new clothes, changed into them & continued the game!!

And a story that may or may not be true:

My husband, as I've mentioned before, claims that some of my best memories never happened. He may be right.  I have a very distinct memory of one of my sons telling me that as a teenager he & his friend (deliberately) drove a golf cart into a water hazard.  I checked with both of them & they said they have no memory of such an incident.  They may be lying!!

“The Golf Song (Live)” by The Arrogant Worms

Gonna go out and play some golf ya ya 
Gonna go out and play some golf 

My golf bag's full of the latest stuff 
I'm gonna go out and play some golf 
My putter alone was a thousand bucks 
I'm gonna go out and suck at golf 

Think I better take a mulligan ya ya 
Think I better take a mulligan 
I put my ball in the pond again 
I think I better take a mulligan 
I tee it up and take a swing and then SPLASH 
Can I get another mulligan? 

Get up get up get up get up get up 
a get down get down 
Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry 
Don’t hit the tree don’t hit the tree 
Please hit the tree 
There must be something wrong with my clubs 

All my friends hit it farther than me 
Ya all my friends hit it farther than me 
I just hope I clear the ladies’ tee
Everybody hits it farther than me 
Just 8 more strokes then I reach a par 3 
That kid just hit it farther than me 

Get up get up get up get up get up 
Ya get down get down 
Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry 
Slow down ball slow down down down 
Don’t hit the tree don’t hit the tree 
Please hit the tree 
I took a day off for this 

Never be as good as Tiger Woods no 
Never be as good as Tiger Woods 
My balls always goin off into the woods 
Never be as good as Tiger Woods 
I'm hookin' my arms and I'm pullin’ my woods (What?) 
Never be as good as Tiger Woods 

Get up get up get up get up get up 
a get down get down 
Hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry hurry 
Don’t hit the tree don’t hit the tree 
Hit the tree hit the tree 
I really hate this stupid game

Some golf instruction & tips:

When you get older, the lack of energy is often mistaken for patience----fishducky