Thursday, June 9, 2016


Are you smartless?

(This is my third post on the Darwin Awards, which continue to fascinate me.  To see the others,  click here & also here.)

Here are the results of the 2015 Darwin Awards from earlybirdsnet.com; the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid ways. You couldn't make up anything as dumb as this stuff. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.  My all-time favorite was the terrorist who sent a mail bomb with insufficient postage.  He had put his return address on it & when he got it back, he opened it!!

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... & remember that each & every one of these are true & the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, & he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion & fire burned his house down, killing both him & his sister.

Semifinalist #2.Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft & crashed.. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped & hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle & the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'

Semifinalist #4. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he & a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate himself - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5.Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. 

Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket & retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter! Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously): 

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist.... had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert & found a long, straight stretch of road. 

He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed & fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched & melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph & continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, & soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event. 

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied & completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires & leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles & impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. Small fragments of bone, teeth & hair were extracted from the crater, & fingernail & bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. 

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground. ... & people just like this are all around us & continue breeding & voting!! Scary thought, isn't it?!!

It's true that both sexes are eligible to win the Darwin Awards
but the percentage of winners is slightly tipped towards the men:

Father: Do you think our kids get their brains from me? 

Mother: Probably, dear.  I still have all of mine----fishducky