Wednesday, August 10, 2016


And I don't have any idea what to write about today.  Hang on a minute & I'll grab a bunch of crap junk interesting and/or amusing stuff from my files.  Here it comes!!

Consider this argument for capital punishment: Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?  
One spring afternoon, I came home to find two little girls on the steps of my building. Both were crying hard, shedding big tears. Thinking they might be hurt, I dropped my briefcase & quickly went over to them. "Are you all right?" I asked.

Still sobbing, one held up her doll. "My baby's arm came off," she said.

I took the doll and its disjointed arm. After a little effort & luck, the doll was again whole. "Thank you," came a whisper from the girl as I handed her the doll back. Next, looking into the tearful eyes of her friend, I asked, "And what's the matter with you, young lady?"

She wiped her cheeks & said, "Oh I'm okay, I was just helping her cry."
I just read a report that stated that last year 4,153,237 people got married...

I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I haven't left my house in days. I watch the news channels incessantly. .All the news stories are about the election. All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.  Election--erection--election--erection--either way we're getting screwed!!--Bette Midler
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley & on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car & you cannot overtake it. Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig & the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!!
Son (at dinner): Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Father: Probably like 90%
Son: So it's 10% balls?
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home & when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. 
Fire investigators in Beverly Hills, California, have discovered the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $2,000.000 home; a short circuit in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.  “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in & stole my brand new security system!!"
There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

You can't board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The pilot asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The pilot yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the pilot how often their planes crash and he says, "Just once."

No movie. Don't need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

To see Tim Conway on a "no frills" flight
click here.

If someone offers you a penny for your thoughts & someone else puts their two cents in, what happens to all that money?----fishducky