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Friday, August 12, 2016

HELLO, ACME PRINTERS? I'D LIKE TO ORDER 1,000 SIGNS, ASAP!!




(I'm tired today, so here's another rerun from 2012--with all new cartoons!!)


Are you familiar with the comedian, Bill Engvall?  He thinks--& I agree--that all stupid people should wear a sign saying just that so you wouldn't waste your (or their) time. 





This is his reasoning:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

Some of his examples of people in no imminent danger of winning the Nobel Prize:

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope--talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and asked, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist so I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

Then there was the guy with the 18-wheeler... Wouldn't ya know he misjudged the height of the overpass... The truck got stuck and he couldn't get it out no matter how he tried. He radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning.. ok.. no problem. The guy thought, "He can't say it, he's a paid official..." He thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until the cop asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" The guy couldn't help himself! He looked at the cop, looked back at the rig and then back at the cop and said "No I was delivering this overpass and my truck stalled... here's your sign."

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a coat hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, "Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missing a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry...here's your sign."

Some people are so stupid--& so litigious--that manufacturers have been forced to put equally stupid disclaimers on their products.  Here are some actual label instructions on
 consumer goods (& I cut the list way down!):

On Marks and Spencer Bread PuddingProduct will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta ironDo not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's Cough MedicineDo not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

On Nytol Sleep AidWarning: May cause drowsiness.

On Sainsbury's peanutsWarning: Contains nuts.

On a child's Superman costumeWearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On a Swedish chain sawDo not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

In a microwave oven manualDo not use for drying pets.

On the back of a pilot's seat in a NATO aircraftSeat must be facing forward for take-off and landing.

On the bottom of a cola bottleDo not open here.

On a Harry Potter wizards broomThis broom does not actually fly.

On a box of aspirinDo not take if allergic to aspirin.

On a bottle of baby lotionKeep away from children.

On a 500-piece jigsaw puzzleSome assembly required.

On a can of pepper spray used for self defenseMay irritate eyes.

In an elevator in a Japanese hotelPush this button in case anything happens.

On a toilet cleaning brushDo not use orally.

On a TV remoteNot dishwasher safe.

On a blowtorchNot used for drying hair.

In a dishwasher manualDo not allow children to play in dishwasher.

On a box of fireworksDo not put in mouth.

Stupid people should be VERY careful when making repairs:

"Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself."--Dave Barry

Some people may require more than a disclaimer.  
They need more SPECIFIC  instructions!

I got a new stick deodorant today.  The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.  I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely!! 


I'm not sure that this belongs here, but he WAS stupid for honking at her!  A lady was videotaping her son riding a skate board when her attention switched to an old woman trying to cross the street.  You can hear the lady who is doing the taping giggling as she records the event.  The video is a quick one…but you'll probably watch it more than once. Aren't air bags great?


This video from TED is about 10 minutes long,
but it teaches you he difference between the male & the female brain:





























Dealing with morons is like trying to teach hieroglyphics to a beagle----fishducky