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Tuesday, August 23, 2016

I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING BUT...






...It turns out I only know almost everything.  Here's a list of some things that I'm having trouble figuring out:


Why isn’t a toothbrush called a “teethbrush”?  It’s actually logical.  You use it to brush more than one tooth.   When someone says they had their hair cut, I’m tempted to ask, “Which one?”  And why isn’t the plural of spouse “spice”?  Having “spice” should certainly add it to your marriage!!

And some more things I’ve always wanted to know:

How could Bud have possibly out-funnied me?  When our daughter & son-in-law got married I gave a toast to the newlyweds saying that I hoped they would be as happy in their marriage as my husband was in ours.  That got a big laugh, but my husband got an even bigger laugh when he made his toast.  He said.  "May you be as happy in your marriage as my wife thinks I am in ours!"


Why does your nose run, but your feet smell?

Why do doctors leave the room when you undress?  Aren’t they going to see you naked, anyway?

If, when you sleep, you dream that you're in a coma, will you wake up unconscious?

Is "I'll be speaking to my lawyer" the adult version of "I'm gonna tell Mom"?

Are farts the ghosts of things we ate?

Are there any eagles who have a fear of heights?

Why don't you ever hear of a psychic winning the lottery?

If you get to the end of the universe, is there a fence?

If you are asked in court if you will swear to tell the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth, what would happen if you said “No"?

If women with large breasts work at Hooters, do women with one leg work at IHOP?

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

When lightning strikes the ocean, why don’t all the fish die?

Why don’t woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their heads against a tree all day?

Do sheep get static cling when they rub against each other?

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” when it doesn’t work anymore after you’ve had it done?

Would I look any younger if I ironed my face?

Was the first person to eat an artichoke as brave as I think he was?

If vegetarians only eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Why do clothing manufacturers use a label that says "One size fits all"?

If swimming is so good for developing arms, shoulders & legs, why don't fish have arms, shoulders or legs?

Why don't birth certificates and/or marriage licenses come with an expiration date?

I've been watching "Say Yes to the Dress".  Why would someone pay $10,000 or more for a wedding dress?

If humans had no sweat glands, would we walk around with our tongues hanging out like dogs?

Why can't we flap our arms fast enough to fly?

When they made the first clock, how did they know what time to set it at?

How do you know when you're getting low on invisible ink?

Why does insurance cover everything but the particular problem you're having?

Do fish ever get tired of eating seafood?

How did people think before language?

Why would anyone try a new medicine after hearing all those disclaimers?

Why do airlines give you a seat that can be used in an emergency as a flotation device? Shouldn't they give you something that could be used as parachute instead?

This seems to fit in here:
















If gravity is a law, why can't we repeal it?

Why do I look older in the mirror than I do in my head?

Why are mattresses always on sale?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their behind when asking where a bathroom is?

Why do flammable & inflammable mean the same thing?

Why do people who couldn't care less say they could care less?

Why does eating 1/4 pound of chocolate put 5 pounds on my body?

Do shoes have to go to boot camp?

Has anyone ever asked the question "Where are you?" in sign language?

How deep do you have to plant chickens to grow eggplant?

Why  can't older people remember what they had for lunch yesterday?  I actually have a theory about this but I'm not sure if it's true:

FISHDUCKY THEORY OF MEMORY

Are you familiar with the fishducky theory as to why our memory seems to disappear as we age?  If not, don’t worry.  I’m going to tell you.  What was I talking about?  Oh, yes--memory.  If you subscribe to the theory, as I do, that the brain is like a computer, then you know that it has a finite number of memory bytes.  As we age, gravity pulls these memories down, filling first our feet, then our legs, our bellies & butts (which would also explain why many older people seem to have gained weight in these areas) & finally reach our brains, which eventually become full.  Since humans don’t have a delete key, there is no room for new memories.  This is why we people “of a certain age” can remember who sat next to us in the third grade but have no idea of what we ate for lunch yesterday.  We are not forgetful—we  are simply full!!

I guess that's it--I know everything else.


Except this:























Sometimes the thoughts in my head get so bored they go out for a stroll through my computer. This is rarely a good thing----fishducky