Thursday, September 15, 2016


A suggestion from a Human Resources Manager: 

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room. 

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door. 

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours. 
4. Then analyze the situation: 

If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing. 
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering. 
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning. 
If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations. 
If they are sleeping, put them in Security. 
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology. 
If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources. 
If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales. 
If they have already left for the day, put them in Management. 
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. 
If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management. 
Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress. 
My wife doesn't complain often, but once she was having an old-fashioned "heart-to-heart" with me and said, "Honey, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

The last thing I remember was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple of minutes ago"
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"

The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
Two women who had just met at a health spa were talking about their lifestyles & how they hope to stay healthy. One asked the other to detail her daily routine.
“I eat moderately,” she replied, “I exercise moderately, I drink moderately, & I live moderately.”

“Is there anything else you do?” her new friend asked..

“Yes,” she said, “I lie extensively.”

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there's another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. "Hey, are you playing games with me?" Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed. 

"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously.  
"They’re trying to resuscitate me."
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. 

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" 

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." 

Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!!"
"My car has this feature I guess is standard, because it was on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank. No matter what side of the car I pull up to the pump, it's on the other side."--Rita Rudner 
A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together.  After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up. 

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?" 

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing." 

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

I don't care if they give me paper or plastic at the market; I'm bisacksual----fishducky