Friday, September 16, 2016


For part 1, click here.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*


*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*


Help my knee is made of magnets

I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard

Her: when you said "magical in bed" this isn't exactly what I was expecting

Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card

Her: *softly* holy shit

[gun goes off]

[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]

ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

*cop pulls me over*

COP: please blow into this, sir

ME: *plays trumpet perfectly*

COP: okay you're definitely sober and way cool

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

accountant: "you’re basically broke"

wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"

me: "let’s ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"

[grocery produce aisle]

ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?

CLERK: No, why do you ask?

CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?"

"No champ, I never did."

"That's a good thing."

"You're telling me," said grandpa, "I was the cook!"
Some of my favorite jokes:

Farmer Jones goes to town to buy a duck. As he's heading home, he passes the local theater and notices that a film he really wanted to see is playing. Not wanting to miss the movie, Jones stuffs the duck in his pants and goes into the darkened theater. The duck has to breathe, so he unzips his fly.

He sits down next to two old ladies, Thelma and Maude. During the movie the duck gets restless and sticks his head out of the farmer's fly. Maude looks over, pokes Thelma and says, "Look at that!  I can't believe it!" Thelma replies, "C'mon, don't tell me you've never seen one of those before." Maude answers, "Yeah, but this one's eating my popcorn!"
A priest, a minister, & a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, & attempt to convert it.
Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism & sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “& preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on the ground with his clothes torn & covered with blood. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”
Poachers in Africa opened a restaurant.  Their come-on was: “We make sandwiches from any African animal!  If we can’t make your sandwich, we’ll pay you $10,000.00!!”   Business was booming for months.  They sold sandwiches made of ground zebra, lion pot roast, leg of hippo, etc.  

One day the waiter tries to place an order with the cook.  Together, they sadly go to the manager & tell him that he’s going to have to pay the $10,000.00.  He asks why & they tell him that a customer just ordered an elephant ball sandwich on rye.  

He tells them that’s no problem--a new shipment of elephant balls just came in.  The cook says, “I know that!  The problem is, we’re out of rye bread!!”
The pretty young lady was having a wisdom tooth pulled.  The dentist gave her the usual "this won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a hypodermic needle in his hand.

He immediately drew back in complete alarm.  "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!!"

"Yes, I know," she said, "And we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.  He doesn't seem to be breathing & his eyes are glazed over.  The other hunter whips out his cell phone & calls 911.

"I think my friend is dead!  What can I do?"

"Calm down.  I can help.  First, let's make sure he's dead," replies the operator.

A silence ensues.  Then, a loud gunshot is heard.

"OK," says the man to the operator, "Now what?"

If you've got a few more chuckles left in you, some cartoons & stuff: