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Friday, September 23, 2016

LAWS (& LAWYERS) ARE LUDICROUS




(Reworked from a June, 2014 post.)


Bud has been retired from his successful law practice for many years now.  One of his first clients was a woman who was accused of shoplifting.  Her defense was that while she was walking past the meat counter in a supermarket, some lamb chops jumped into her purse.  With much difficulty (& the surveillance photos), he finally convinced her to plead guilty.  He also had a client who (allegedly) wrote a series of bad checks.  He got her off, but he wasn’t stupid.  He insisted she pay him in cash!!
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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. 

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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TRUE COURTROOM HUMOR:

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated? 

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. 

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair. 

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about. 

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months 
November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was 
August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time? 

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times. 

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.


Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died? 

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentitary and he couldn’t pronunciate his words. 

The following are from rinkworks.com:



Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."


Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"

 Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?"
Witness: "Yes."
Lawyer: "Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"
Witness: "Yes, sir."
Lawyer: "What did she say?"
Witness: "'What disco am I at?'"

Sometimes we don't even need an answer:

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Accused, defending his own case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"

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The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?" 

The foreman answered, "Insanity." 

The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that. But, all twelve of you?"
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".  And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "For the love of God, woman, don't you ever stop?"












In case you can't read the above cartoon, it says:

In the future, please say "I object"
rather than "That's total bullshit."




READ CAROL WYER'S BOOK!! Click here.

To paraphrase Will Rogers, Carol Wyer has never written a book I didn't like. After reading "TAKE A CHANCE ON ME" (previously titled “THREE LITTLE BIRDS”) that statement stands intact. I was charmed by Charlie (after she fell in love with life) and absolutely adored her paraplegic friend, Mercedes, and her neighbor, Bert the bird. I'm 81 years old and have led a very full life. I've crossed everything off my bucket list including flying in a zero gravity plane like the astronauts, but Ms. Wyer has got me thinking that I might be able to add something else. This book says to me that life is to be lived!!







In West Virginia a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath----Conan O'Brien (& fishducky)