Monday, September 26, 2016


(A reworked post from 9/12/14)

Hallmark’s slogan is “When you care enough to send the very best”.  
Someecards uses “When you care enough to hit send’’.  
The slogan for my new greeting card company will be “Here!”

We offer cards for every occasion.  Here's a sample of our stock:

“Happy birthday!
Don’t be a flake.
Save me some of
That chocolate cake!”

“Here’s my wish for
You this Easter—
Don’t fall down and
Break your keester!”

“It’s Hanukkah!
Here’s your dreidleel toy.
Aren’t you glad
You’re not a Goy?”*


“You had a brand new baby,
And I suppose that’s fine.
But I would've gladly given
You any one of mine."

On your wedding.
That should keep
STD's from spreading."


                                        “Word’s out you’re getting married,
I wish you endless luck.
God knows you’ll really need it
If you say “Yes” to that schmuck.”

"It's about time
You divorced that cow.
Does that mean it’s OK
To hit on her now?”

“Christmas is coming
With lots of good cheer.
I hope Santa
  Brings me beer!”

"So glad you're out of jail.
Did they grant you a parole,
Or did someone slip a file
Into your casserole?"

                                                         "All this snoring
Is making me woozy.
Oh, how I wish
I had an Uzi!"

“Thanks for having me
At your place—
Loved shoving dinner
Into my face!”

“Happy New YEAR!
Auld lang syne!
I need another
Glass of wine!”

"I'm so sorry 
You got fired.
Just pretend that 
You retired."

“Too bad you’re sick.
Just take your pill.
You’ll need it when you
Get the doctor’s bill!”

“You always said to
Eat, drink & live hearty.
We had a great time at
Your funeral party!”

We even offer cards for those "of a certain age"--here are three samples: 

“I know this
Birthday card is late.
So what?  You’re too old
To celebrate.”

“Too many candles can easily start
A blaze in your apartment—
A happy birthday warning from
Your local Fire Department.”

“Because you’ve had so many birthdays
And we all love you a heap,
We pooled our money and decided
To have you put to sleep.”

Here are some that Arcamax offered.  I like mine better:

You totaled your car
and can't remember why.
Could it have been
that whole case of Bud Dry? 

You are such a good friend
that if we were on a sinking ship

and there was only one life jacket
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. 

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise. 

Congratulations on your promotion. 
Before you go, 
take this knife out of my back.
You'll probably need it again. 

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
almost lifelike!

These cards are from the Advice From Nature series at yourtruenature.com.
They're blank inside:

Another competitor:

Does this look like the start of a fantastic new career or what?----fishducky