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Thursday, October 13, 2016

JOB INTERVIEWS THAT WERE HELD IN MY HEAD




(Extensively reworked from a 2013 post.)

Did you ever wonder what some famous people would have said if they were being interviewed for a job?  You didn't?  Well, I did!  Here's what I think they might have said:

Julius Caesar: "My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that."

Harry Houdini: "Sorry I'm late.  I got stuck in the restroom & I couldn't get out."

The Boston Strangler:  "Your daughters are really cute.  Would you mind if I dropped in to visit them sometime?"

Donald Trump: "I could be a yuge asset to your company."

Hannibal Lecter: "I'd like to invite you to, I mean for lunch."

Kim Kardashian: "So your company doesn't actually manufacture anything?  That's all right, I can make you famous for being famous."

Michael Jackson:  "I'd like to work in the children's department.  I'm very good with children."

Dumbo: "No, commuting to work would not be a problem.  I'll just fly in."

Usain Bolt: "I'd rather get paid by the piece.  I'm very fast."

Caitlyn Jenner: "No problem; I'd be happy to work in either the men's or women's department."

Jesse James "I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks."
 

Marie Antoinette: "I admit my management style has been criticized, but I like to think of myself as a people person."

Any Supreme Court justice: "Well, if you really want my opinion..."

Joseph Guillotin: "I can give your company a head start on the competition." 

Hamlet: "My last position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.  How much are you offering?  After all, the pay's the thing!"

The Wizard of Oz: "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.  I can handle this interview all by myself." 

Mario Andretti: "About that company car you're offering--does it matter if I can only turn left?"

Pandora: "I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things."
 

Genghis Khan: "My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized the population of several countries."

Lady Godiva: "What do you mean, this isn't business casual?"

Macbeth: "Would I go after my boss's job?  Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?"

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: "Don't worry about me quitting after a few months.  I always keep a job as long as I possibly can." 

Cher: "I’m so glad you require uniforms.  I never know what to wear."

Sally Field: "You're interviewing me!  You're really interviewing me!!"

Adolph Hitler: "I don’t mind working my up through the ranks.  I will OWN this company one day!"

Queen Elizabeth ll: "Is this an animal friendly office?  I have a couple of corgis…"

Attila the Hun: "Hire me & I guarantee we’ll crush the competition."

Albert Schweitzer: "I hope there’s not a lot of math involved.  I'm really tired of math."

Henry David Thoreau: "Would it be okay to work from home?  The reason I ask is there’s a really nice pond near where I live…"

Sir Isaac Newton:  "This bump?  It’s nothing.  For some strange reason, apples seem to keep falling on my head."

 Dr. Henry Heimlich: "Is there something stuck in your throat?  Here, let me help you…"

Yogi Bear:  "Do you mind if we have lunch while we talk?  I brought a picnic basket with me."

Marcel Marceau: “--------"

Designer of the Titanic:  "What could possibly go wrong if you hired me?"

Dr. Seuss: "I want to work, I’m not a jerk.  Give me lots of money & I’m sure I could be funny."

Francis Scott Key:  "I just thought of a little jingle that your company might use.  Let me sing it for you."

Michelangelo: "What do you mean, you don't understand what I said--do I have to paint you a picture?"

Hugh Hefner: "Your receptionist is really hot.  Do you think she’d mind if I took her picture?"

Samson:  "OK, I’ll wear a net or put it in a ponytail, but there’s no way I’m getting my hair cut for this job!"  

Elvis Presley: "My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Here's a story about a woman who desperately needs a job--& a business manager:

An elderly couple were discussing the dire straits of their financial situation.  
Him: "You're gonna have to get a job!"
Her:  "I should get a job?  What could I do?"
Him:  "You could be a whore."
Her:  "I could be a whore?"
Him:  "You could try."
Her:  "I'll try."
The next evening she comes home, totally exhausted & looking like something the cat dragged in.
Him:  'So, how'd you do?"
Her:  "Okay--I made $13.10."
Him:  "$13.10!  Who gave you the 10 cents?"
Her:  "Everybody gave me 10 cents!"

A different sort of interview:

If you're a cat & looking for a job, click here.

If you're looking for the best job in the world, click here. 

















I have an easy job.  I'm off Monday through Friday & I don't work weekends.  You might be able to find a position like this--just check the want ads under "Jewish American Princess wanted".  (Warning: You may have to sleep with your boss!!)----fishducky