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Wednesday, December 21, 2016

"LET ME MAKE ONE THING PERFECTLY CLEAR"--PRESIDENT RICHARD M. NIXON


This is not a political post!!  I just wanted to emphasize the need for clarity 
when expressing oneself.  

For instance, this guy probably asked that two cars be welded together 
so he could have a stretch limo:

And this guy wanted some sexy pictures of his wife:

She should have told him how high she wanted the mirror:


It wouldn't have hurt to be even more specific about size:





Which end was that again?

What about when you're hungry or thirsty?:


This was his own fault:

Is Chinese photography different than ours?:

Sometimes they should make things clearer to you:



It could be the fault of the delivery service:

Even so:


These things were made clear:










"You can have dessert if you eat half your hot dog."











After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled. "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby."
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A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
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A newly married couple was having breakfast at their new apartment when the next door neighbor hung out laundry that appeared to still be dirty. 

The new wife commented to her husband that their neighbor did not how to properly do laundry, how to put in correct amount of bleach, detergent, etc. She made this comment every Monday for the next month. Finally, one day, the neighbor's wash appeared to be perfectly clean. The new wife commented on this and said the whole load looked really good.

The husband then replied, "Honey, I got up early today and washed our windows."
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A guy was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him. 

The guy struggles to tell his friend, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" the friend asks.

"My life insurance policy."
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Ballerinas are always on their toes... 

Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
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During weekly visits to my allergist, I’ve noticed a lot of inattentive parents with ill-behaved children in the waiting room. So I was impressed one day to see a mother with her little boy, helping him sound out the words on a sign.

Finally he mastered it and his mother cheered, "That’s great! Now sit there. I’ll be back in 15 minutes."

What did the sign say?

"Children must not be left unattended."
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The wife, whose husband had a collection of guitars, was before the judge after smashing every single one of them.

The judge asks, "First offender?"

She replies, "No, your honor. First a Gibson, second a Fender."




















"Laughing at your own mistakes can lengthen your life."----Shakespeare
"Laughing at your wife's mistakes can shorten your life."----Mrs. Shakespeare (& fishducky)