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Tuesday, January 31, 2017

DIOGENES & THE PHONE COMPANY


(From my book "Fishducky's Fables".)


There once lived a man called Diogenes who lived in a barrel because housing in ancient Greece was very expensive.  He walked around carrying a lantern, even when the sun was shining brightly.  He took this lantern everywhere he went; up and down streets, into buildings of all sorts, to the beach (although when he went into the water he had to leave it next to his towel, because you know you can’t keep a lantern lit in the water) and on cruise ships.  He tried to take it in an airplane, but the TSA confiscated it.  It went with him to restaurants and parties, even though it would occasionally set off a smoke alarm.  He did snuff out the flame when he went to bed, though, because everyone knows that it’s not safe to go to sleep with a fire near the curtains.

The reason he carried the lantern was that he was on a search.  He was very honest and he was looking for an honest phone company.  Regardless of what their ads claimed, he ended up disappointed.  Time Warner had a lot of static in their system.  Sprint would often cut him off in the middle of an important call.  He had billing issues with AT&T, and he couldn’t even get a live person to discuss them with.  Verizon, Comcast and US Cellular were no better.  He would switch from company to company, to no avail.

He went to the law offices of Dewey, Cheatham and Howe to see if they could help him.  They took his case and a lot of money and made him many promises, but never came through.  He petitioned Congress and although they eagerly accepted his contributions there was no help to be found there, either.

What was he to do in order to communicate with others?  The mail took forever.  Smoke signals were frowned upon by the EPA.  Semaphore flags couldn’t be seen from very far without binoculars and they hadn’t been invented yet.  There was a limit to how loudly he could yell!  He had no answer.
 
It saddens me to tell you that he was forced to discontinue his search.  He ran out of money and needed to earn a living.  He started his own phone company but soon found that honesty wouldn’t get a person very far in that business and he quickly went bankrupt.  He searched the want ads, but the only position he could find that he was even remotely qualified for was as a used car salesman.  He was pretty sure he wouldn’t be a success in that field.

He then had a flash of brilliance!  He wrote a book, coauthored by Mother Goose, which became a best seller and started him on a successful career as an author.  Perhaps you’ve read it.  It was called “Honest Phone Companies and Other Fairy Tales”.


















On a different subject, I just finished a book by my blogging buddy, Carol Wyer.
If you like mysteries, it's a must read!!
Right now it's only 99 cents on Amazon.
Buy it!!
Read it!!
You'll thank me!!


 




Monday, January 30, 2017

THEY SHOULD CALL THEM "BOTTOMINGS"


(Stolen Taken Borrowed Adapted from The eBook of Awesome by Neil Pasricha)


Some of the best hot dogs in the world are sold by street vendors. Street meat, we call it proudly, waiting in lines to get char-grilled, crisp-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside, big, brown beautiful hot dogs. The dogs usually come set perfectly in a puffy, yellow bun, like a smiling child tucked tightly into bed. Yes, it’s a glowing little beef-tube of heaven, a spicy little meat-wand of joy, the perfect company for a movie or a long walk home after the bars. 

Now, despite the powerful taste punch to the mouth the street vendor hot dog delivers, I’m sorry to say there is just one little problem: my friend, there is spillage & plenty of it. Hot dog vendors pride themselves on their never ending array of toppings, from spicy mustard to onions, pickles to olives, sauerkraut to banana peppers. It’s a delicious den of germs just sitting out on the street in little glass jars, protected from gas fumes, building exhausts, and pigeon crap by nothing more than a large umbrella. Now, like most people, I love hot dog toppings. But you and me, together we face a common problem: trying to balance piles of wet toppings on top of a round, slippery wiener. It ain’t easy, homes. 

Usually the relish slips off first, and you get those artistic looking ketchup and mustard swirls dripping onto your pants. Worst-case scenario, you get a rogue pickle coated in mustard leaving a big yellow skid mark right on the belly of your T-shirt. The ladies sure love those. I laugh, but folks, this is a serious problem. Thankfully though, there is a solution. Yes, I’m talking about The Toppings-First Method. 

That’s right, believe it. Now here’s how it all goes down: First, ask for your bun while the hot dog is still cooking. “Mind if I get the bun first?” There, just like that. Most vendors will just hand it over, so now you’re holding a big empty hot dog bun in your hand. Everyone with me so far? 

Next is the very important bedding step. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this step. You can’t just lay your wet condiments down in the crack of the bun & expect the integrity of the bun to hold up. That would be ridiculous. No, you need to lay down a layer of condiment bedding first that gently cradles the wet toppings while preventing them from soaking through. Your ideal choices here are diced onions, pickles, or even lettuce if you have to. 

Okay, now load that bun up like there’s no tomorrow! Just keep piling the wet toppings in there! Deep red river of ketchup, bright yellow pools of mustard, generous spoonfuls of relish. Load it up. Believe me, the dog will still fit. 

Finally, dog up! Rest that beautiful Fat Jim right down on your sweet bed of condiments. It may lay a bit high on the bun, but don’t you worry. Everything will still fit. Now the hot dog serves as shield & a guide, protecting your shirt while escorting the delicious condiments into your hungry stomach behind it. This is a magical technique I first learned from my friend.  He has perfected it to a science, where he has a very specific condiment architecture involving categorizing condiments into “wet”, “gritty”, and “cheese.” He can talk for five minutes about how relish is the most underrated topping or how proper cheese placement is key to fine melting. 

The point is that there are more advanced versions of this technique, but you really need to master the basics first. Sure, I’ve given you a guide. But only you can do the rest.

















Jokes about German sausage are the wurst----fishducky

 




Friday, January 27, 2017

I THINK THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.....



(Reworked from a February, 2013 post.)

Dirve Dvire Drive carefully!! 
And pay attention to all warning signs!











This is neat--watch the lights change!!

If these made you nervous, it might be a good idea
to just leave your car here.

Maybe these sign makers should go back to school.
Or maybe not.



Some cities require that you learn English:


This is too much!!
I need to relax & go have some fun:

That didn't help.I think I'll get something to eat:


Now I have to go potty.

I wish someone had told me I didn't
have to go through labor:


It's a good thing doctors never make mistakes!

I've discovered the cause of typing errors:

AND what to do about them:

He should have had a parrot:













This is NOT a typo--just stupidity:



To get ahead in life, you have to be very careful not too to have any mispelled misspelled words in what you rite right write----fishducky