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Monday, January 30, 2017

THEY SHOULD CALL THEM "BOTTOMINGS"


(Stolen Taken Borrowed Adapted from The eBook of Awesome by Neil Pasricha)


Some of the best hot dogs in the world are sold by street vendors. Street meat, we call it proudly, waiting in lines to get char-grilled, crisp-on-the-outside, soft-on-the-inside, big, brown beautiful hot dogs. The dogs usually come set perfectly in a puffy, yellow bun, like a smiling child tucked tightly into bed. Yes, it’s a glowing little beef-tube of heaven, a spicy little meat-wand of joy, the perfect company for a movie or a long walk home after the bars. 

Now, despite the powerful taste punch to the mouth the street vendor hot dog delivers, I’m sorry to say there is just one little problem: my friend, there is spillage & plenty of it. Hot dog vendors pride themselves on their never ending array of toppings, from spicy mustard to onions, pickles to olives, sauerkraut to banana peppers. It’s a delicious den of germs just sitting out on the street in little glass jars, protected from gas fumes, building exhausts, and pigeon crap by nothing more than a large umbrella. Now, like most people, I love hot dog toppings. But you and me, together we face a common problem: trying to balance piles of wet toppings on top of a round, slippery wiener. It ain’t easy, homes. 

Usually the relish slips off first, and you get those artistic looking ketchup and mustard swirls dripping onto your pants. Worst-case scenario, you get a rogue pickle coated in mustard leaving a big yellow skid mark right on the belly of your T-shirt. The ladies sure love those. I laugh, but folks, this is a serious problem. Thankfully though, there is a solution. Yes, I’m talking about The Toppings-First Method. 

That’s right, believe it. Now here’s how it all goes down: First, ask for your bun while the hot dog is still cooking. “Mind if I get the bun first?” There, just like that. Most vendors will just hand it over, so now you’re holding a big empty hot dog bun in your hand. Everyone with me so far? 

Next is the very important bedding step. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this step. You can’t just lay your wet condiments down in the crack of the bun & expect the integrity of the bun to hold up. That would be ridiculous. No, you need to lay down a layer of condiment bedding first that gently cradles the wet toppings while preventing them from soaking through. Your ideal choices here are diced onions, pickles, or even lettuce if you have to. 

Okay, now load that bun up like there’s no tomorrow! Just keep piling the wet toppings in there! Deep red river of ketchup, bright yellow pools of mustard, generous spoonfuls of relish. Load it up. Believe me, the dog will still fit. 

Finally, dog up! Rest that beautiful Fat Jim right down on your sweet bed of condiments. It may lay a bit high on the bun, but don’t you worry. Everything will still fit. Now the hot dog serves as shield & a guide, protecting your shirt while escorting the delicious condiments into your hungry stomach behind it. This is a magical technique I first learned from my friend.  He has perfected it to a science, where he has a very specific condiment architecture involving categorizing condiments into “wet”, “gritty”, and “cheese.” He can talk for five minutes about how relish is the most underrated topping or how proper cheese placement is key to fine melting. 

The point is that there are more advanced versions of this technique, but you really need to master the basics first. Sure, I’ve given you a guide. But only you can do the rest.

















Jokes about German sausage are the wurst----fishducky

 




22 comments:

  1. Ive always put the ketchup mustard chili and slaw on the bottom then the dog.
    Iove hot dogs!
    Lisa

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  2. Called them "Dirty Water Dogs" in the city...Sabretts! A buck 25 with a yoohoo back in the day, a delicious quick cheep lunch. Never wanted to know what they were actually made from. I always just have mustard, and then spin the dog to put the mustard on the bottom.

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  3. :) :)
    (just to let you know I actually received and appreciated the post.)

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    Replies
    1. As a kosher hot dog would say, "Mazel tov"!!

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  4. Ha! Love the funeral for the inventor of the hotdog bun.

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  5. Ya know--that might be pure genius. Think I will try it tonight.

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  6. My hubby and I love hot dogs, but we prefer to call them tube steaks. :)

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  7. I like the hot dog factory cartoon best. Nice work stealing that post. (I'll never tell, though of course you admitted it at the beginning.)

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. I would NEVER steal, borrow or adapt something without giving the author credit!!

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  8. Replies
    1. Don't tell me you're just finding that out!!

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  9. I have "The Book of Awesome." It's AWESOME!

    My husband never worries about spillage. He spreads open his buns (heh, heh) and plops on the hot dog, and then slathers it with chili dog sauce, diced onions, and shredded cheddar. He eats them with a fork. His other favorite involves mustard and slaw. I'm pretty sure they are also forked.

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    Replies
    1. It sounds like your husband forks everything up!!

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  10. Replies
    1. Just don't put mustard on the cartoons; it'll ruin your computer!!

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  11. Mornin' Frank.
    Heh.
    I've been doing the toppings first thing for years. Open the bun, squeeze a squiggle of tomato sauce down one side, a squiggle of mustard down the other, fried onions in the middle, dog on top.
    Delicious.

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