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Friday, March 10, 2017

"FIRST, LET'S KILL ALL THE LAWYERS" (WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE)



(Reworked from assorted older posts with a bunch of new stuff.)

Bud has been retired from his successful law practice for many years now.  One of his first clients was a woman who was accused of shoplifting.  Her defense was that while she was walking past the meat counter in a supermarket, some lamb chops jumped into her purse.  With much difficulty (& the surveillance photos), he finally convinced her to plead guilty.  He also had a client who (allegedly) wrote a series of bad checks.  He got her off, but he wasn’t stupid.  He insisted she pay him in cash!!
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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." 

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. 

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
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Sometimes, lawyers don't even have to wait for an answer.  I think the term "probonehead" (Thank you, Timothy Hecht) describes them very well:

Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"

Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"

Accused, defending his own case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
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Some free legal advice for you from lawyer L. Scott Briscoe:

























The new anthology that I'm in is now available at
Kobo, Barnes & Noble, Ibooks & Amazon.

To buy it on Amazon, click here.

Barnes and Noble/nook: click here. 

                                                             Ibooks: click here.
  

I plead not guilty by reason of insanity----fishducky

 




18 comments:

  1. If I'm ever in need of a lawyer I'll have to be very careful who I choose.I don't want someone who only got an alleged C on his exam, nor do i want someone who sued his way through law school.

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    Replies
    1. If you asked a lawyer what his law school grades were, would you believe his answer?

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  2. Didn't take you long to steal that "Probonehead" word LOL. You beat me to it.

    I've heard that cigar story before, if it's true the Judge was an idiot, what a waste of court time.

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  3. Heh, heh! Marriage is all about cross-questioning!

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  4. Bud was smart to insist on being paid in cash by the lady. I bet he was a terrific lawyer.

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    Replies
    1. Bud is an extremely good attorney. Just ask him. A client once was afraid he’d lose his very difficult case & told that to Bud. Bud told the client that some attorneys are just plain not good. Some are not good, but believe they are. Others are good, but don’t realize it. He told him not to worry. He said that he was a very good attorney & knew that to be a fact. After he won their case for them, they presented him with a gold watch. Engraved on the back were 2 words: “THE FACT”!!

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    2. With absolutely NO need for alternative facts. Yay Bud.

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  5. The Free Legal Tips are great.

    Love,
    Janie

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  6. Sadly I suspect that the people who need those tips will never read them.

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  7. Excellent stories. People are stupid, at least some of them may or may not be stupid.

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  8. This was a fun post and made me feel intelligent. I guess if crooks weren't dumb, they'd do something else in life.

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    Replies
    1. But you ARE intelligent; you follow my posts!!

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  9. Some of those "legal tips" are hilarious. The sad thing is, some people are foolish enough to NEED them. Love that "probonehead." Too funny!

    Have a super weekend.

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.