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Monday, April 3, 2017

FISHDUCKY’S FEET & TOW (TOE) BOATS: A FOOTNOTE



This is how I feel with shoes on, especially heels.

I am a strange breed of woman; I do not like shoes.  I much prefer going barefoot.  I have given dinner parties with silver, crystal & china while I was barefoot.  When my kids were young & they saw that I had shoes on, they would ask where I was going.  Unfortunately, I am also a klutz.  The combination of klutziness & bare feet has oftentimes led to broken toes.  When I have a broken toe my podiatrist gives me (for a small price) these ugly lovely sandals to wear.  I think they look like boats.  Tow boats; or maybe toe boats.  I feel like they're as ugly as the “ugly-ass” Bruno Magli's that O. J. Simpson called the shoes that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman's killer had worn.  I hate them; but not enough to stop going barefoot!!

Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

Not my foot (or my dog) but the right type of shoes.

Nature is strange.  I used to be 5"6' but now I'm about 5"3'; so I'm getting shorter.  My feet, however,  are much longer.  All through high school I wore a 7½ shoe; now I wear a 10½.

True story:

I realize I may not be normal (whatever that is) but I had a dream where my toes were falling off. No pain or bleeding, but off they came.  Can anyone explain that to me?  Did I invent a new disease--toeliosis?

This is a baby smelling stinky feet for the first time.

How about some corny (pun intended) riddles from clubfootclub.com:

       What has 50 legs but can’t walk? 
        25 pairs of pants 
  1. Why did the moron put T.G.I.F. on his shoes?
    Toes Go In First

    What lies on the ground, 100 feet up in the air?
    A centipede lying on its back

    What is the fastest way to go to the moon?
    Tickle the bottom of an elephant’s foot!

    Why don’t centipedes play football?
    By the time they get their shoes on, the game is over.

    How do you trip the light fantastic?
    Stick out your foot

    What kind of shoes do lazy people wear?
    Loafers

    What do you get when you play the piano with your feet?
    Footnotes

    What is a plumber’s favorite type of shoes?
    Tap shoes

    What kind of shoes does a plumber hate?
    Clogs

    If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get?
    Missile-toe.

    What do you have if your head is hot, one foot is cold, and you see spots before your eyes?
    A polka-dotted sock over your head.

    What has 12 feet and sticks on ice?
    A hockey team

    What does a shoemaker use to repair shoes?
    Toe-nails

    Why didn’t the Mother like her kid’s foot jokes?
    They were too corny.
    .
    What has 16 feet, is covered in green hair, and loves peanut butter sandwiches?
    I don’t know either but it’s eating your lunch.

    Did you hear the joke about the gym sock? 
    You don’t want to. It stinks.

Greg, three years old, put his shoes on by himself. His father noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot and vice-versa. He sat Greg down on a chair and said quietly, “Greg, your shoes are on the wrong feet. ”He looked up at his father with a quizzical expression and replied, “But, Daddy, they’re the only feet I’ve got!!”
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I once heard a true story of a family firm who cornered the feet market.  One brother sold shoes; each shoe had a hidden fatal flaw.  As a direct result the victim's feet needed treatment with the second brother, who was the only podiatrist in town.
Legend had it that the podiatrist was so incompetent that the only way the victim could get home was in a taxi.  You're ahead of me now; the third brother had the only taxi firm for miles around.
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Two weird newspaper headlines:
     WOMAN PRIED OUT OF WRECKED CAR WITH BROKEN LEG
     HOSPITAL IS SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
     ----------------------------------------------
     This is so frustrating! Give it a go This is so funny/weird that it will boggle your mind.  And      if you are anywhere near as stubborn as I am, you will keep trying at least a few more times      to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1) While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2) Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand.
3) Your foot will change direction. I told you so. And, there's nothing you can do about it! Go ahead: KEEP TRYING ALL YOU WANT.
Have a great day. Now get back to work.















My husband told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo.  I had to put my foot down!!----fishducky

 


12 comments:

  1. Snap.
    I don't like shoes. I have broken toes. Several times. I haven't been given those shoes though.
    A few years ago one of our cats shamed a house guest into buying new shoes. The guest took her shoes off and the cat did her very best to climb inside them, purring and dribbling.

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    Replies
    1. You mean I'm not the only shoe hater?

      Delete
  2. Those sandals are almost as nice as the shower shoes that people get in jail. I never wear shoes around the house, though when it's chilly I wear slippers. When I go out, my shoes are flat or have very low heels. If the heel is higher than half an inch, my feet cramp up and I have to lie on the sidewalk and wait for the Emergency Rescue Vehicle to pick me up with a mechanical lift.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That can seriously interfere with your day!!

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  3. Ha! Love the clown dad viewing babies in the hospital nursery.

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  4. For me the kid smelling stinky feet for the first time took the prize.

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  5. You'd think the Jaws of Life would be more effective for rescuing that woman than a broken leg!

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    Replies
    1. I assume EMT's are trained to use whatever's available!!

      Delete
  6. I like going barefoot, but outside there are just too many things that can hurt me, I do occasionally make it to and from the mailbox, but usually I wear my sneakers. I'll go barefoot inside until it gets chilly, then I wear fluffy socks. I have never yet broken a toe.
    My dad was barefoot for most of his childhood, money was a little scarce in the family, but when he got into the Army and had a steady supply of socks and shoes he never went barefoot again for the rest of his life.

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    Replies
    1. I was able to get all my broken toes inside!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.