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Thursday, May 11, 2017

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS; THE REAL STORY



I know it's true because I read it in the paper!!





Once upon a time there was a biker chick with long beautiful bleached blond curls.  She slept with  was the wife of  she belonged to rode with Buford “Grizzly” Bear & she was known to all as Goldilocks.  Goldilocks was a little more than pleasingly plump at about 700 pounds, but bears like that.  She rode a heavy-duty Harley.

One day she & Grizzly were riding & he asked her if she’d like to meet his parents, Beverly & Barney.  She sweetly replied, “Why the hell not?”  They drove to the woods & discovered his folks weren’t home.  Grizzly suggested they go inside the house & wait for them.  Beverly & Barney had left two bowls of porridge on the table to cool.  Grizzly poured himself a bowl & asked Goldilocks if she wanted one.  She said, “Nah, I’ll just have a bite of yours” & then proceeded to finish all the porridge.

They decided to sit in the living room & wait for his folks to come home.  Not one of the chairs in there could hold Goldilocks' weight & she broke them all, one by one.  How can I put this nicely, in case children are reading this?  Her fat ass was just too much for the chairs!!

All this food & chair breaking made Goldilocks a little sleepy so she & Grizzly went into the bedroom for a nap & some hanky-panky.  While hanky-pankying, they managed to break everybody’s beds!!  Exhausted, Goldilocks fell asleep.

At this point, Mr. & Mrs. Bear returned home.  They entered the kitchen door & saw that someone had eaten all their porridge.  They decided to go into the living room & found their chairs were all broken.  They then went into the bedroom & not only found all their beds broken, but their son & some fat bleached blond floozy were asleep on the wreckage of one of their beds.  The girl was snoring like a truck driver.  They immediately woke their son & asked him what was going on.

He told them it was all Goldilocks' fault & refused to take any responsibility for the debris that was now their home.  Having had years of this kind of behavior from their own son they had now had enough & called Animal Control.  Both Buford & Goldilocks were arrested, tried & convicted of criminal trespass, destroying their home & stealing their porridge.  Buford was written out of their will.

They are currently serving their sentences in a federal penitentiary. 















 




14 comments:

  1. A 700 pound Goldilocks? Wow. She's been snitching EVERYBODY'S breakfasts.
    Love the cartoons and Calvin.

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    Replies
    1. You should see her in front of sausages & eggs (with hash browns)!!

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  2. That's not quite the way I heard it.

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  3. LOL! Loved your version and the cartoons. As a kid I always expected her to eaten by the bears, actually. After all she broke in, stole, destroyed property...from bears, no less! ;)

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    Replies
    1. That's what she actually deserved!!

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  4. This is my favorite twisted version yet. I can believe this one easier than the original. Makes more sense.
    The blonde baby in the yard fits your story perfectly.

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    Replies
    1. Another six days of them coming up!!

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  5. At least they had a nice reunion when they got out of the penitentiary.

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    Replies
    1. It's important that your loved ones wait for you!!

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  6. Oh yes you can depend on Calvin and Hobbes to make it interesting.

    It's about time Goldilocks went to the pen....

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.