Thursday, May 11, 2017


I know it's true because I read it in the paper!!

Once upon a time there was a biker chick with long beautiful bleached blond curls.  She slept with  was the wife of  she belonged to rode with Buford “Grizzly” Bear & she was known to all as Goldilocks.  Goldilocks was a little more than pleasingly plump at about 700 pounds, but bears like that.  She rode a heavy-duty Harley.

One day she & Grizzly were riding & he asked her if she’d like to meet his parents, Beverly & Barney.  She sweetly replied, “Why the hell not?”  They drove to the woods & discovered his folks weren’t home.  Grizzly suggested they go inside the house & wait for them.  Beverly & Barney had left two bowls of porridge on the table to cool.  Grizzly poured himself a bowl & asked Goldilocks if she wanted one.  She said, “Nah, I’ll just have a bite of yours” & then proceeded to finish all the porridge.

They decided to sit in the living room & wait for his folks to come home.  Not one of the chairs in there could hold Goldilocks' weight & she broke them all, one by one.  How can I put this nicely, in case children are reading this?  Her fat ass was just too much for the chairs!!

All this food & chair breaking made Goldilocks a little sleepy so she & Grizzly went into the bedroom for a nap & some hanky-panky.  While hanky-pankying, they managed to break everybody’s beds!!  Exhausted, Goldilocks fell asleep.

At this point, Mr. & Mrs. Bear returned home.  They entered the kitchen door & saw that someone had eaten all their porridge.  They decided to go into the living room & found their chairs were all broken.  They then went into the bedroom & not only found all their beds broken, but their son & some fat bleached blond floozy were asleep on the wreckage of one of their beds.  The girl was snoring like a truck driver.  They immediately woke their son & asked him what was going on.

He told them it was all Goldilocks' fault & refused to take any responsibility for the debris that was now their home.  Having had years of this kind of behavior from their own son they had now had enough & called Animal Control.  Both Buford & Goldilocks were arrested, tried & convicted of criminal trespass, destroying their home & stealing their porridge.  Buford was written out of their will.

They are currently serving their sentences in a federal penitentiary. 



  1. A 700 pound Goldilocks? Wow. She's been snitching EVERYBODY'S breakfasts.
    Love the cartoons and Calvin.

    1. You should see her in front of sausages & eggs (with hash browns)!!

  2. That's not quite the way I heard it.

  3. LOL! Loved your version and the cartoons. As a kid I always expected her to eaten by the bears, actually. After all she broke in, stole, destroyed property...from bears, no less! ;)

  4. This is my favorite twisted version yet. I can believe this one easier than the original. Makes more sense.
    The blonde baby in the yard fits your story perfectly.

  5. At least they had a nice reunion when they got out of the penitentiary.

    1. It's important that your loved ones wait for you!!

  6. Oh yes you can depend on Calvin and Hobbes to make it interesting.

    It's about time Goldilocks went to the pen....


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