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Tuesday, May 23, 2017

IF TWITTER EXISTED WHEN THE BIBLE WAS WRITTEN...




...then we might have seen these tweets:

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.


Me: I know you from somewhere.
Jesus: I get that a lot.
Me: No, I'm sure.
Jesus: Just one of those faces.
Me: (holding arms out) Go like this



[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
"Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"



God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.



I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."


Jesus:"Table for 26 please"
Waiter: "But there are 13 of you"
Jesus: "Yes but we're all going to sit on the same side"


[god creating snakes]
How about a sock that's angry all the time?


god: u gotta build a boat
noah: can't u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god
god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how


*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer


My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.


Lunch 12:15  I love this bible verse, it always helps me in times of need


Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT'S RIGHT, WE'RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES


[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: "they were horrible dad, please im not going back there"
god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is…"



Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.


When threatened, the Pope can spray holy venom up to 25 ft.


Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas


Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password?
God: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
"THIS IS A FUNERAL"
Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL


[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.


i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE

*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u know how long this took?





(BuzzFeed)


This article about business opportunities in biblical times was sent to me by Susan at I Think; therefore, I yam:  

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. 
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. 

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit! 

He asked how much he owed. 


Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! 

However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.


He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! 
Would you consider a partnership?" 

"Certainly," replied Jesus. 

"Jesus & Finkelstein it is." 

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. 

"Finkelstein & Jesus.. After all, I am the craftsman." 

The two of them debated this for some time. 

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful --
and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. 
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop: 



                             


















Have you read this yet?
It's on sale today!!













----fishducky




21 comments:

  1. Twitter? Beyond me.
    Love the megaphone and three followers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love the megaphone cartoon, I'm pinching that to put on a coffee mug as a gift for someone. I can't make out that word on Finkelstein's new shop, can you enlighten me please?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I have a twitter account but I hardly use it. I cannot bring myself to write about what goes on in my life every five minutes LOL.

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    Replies
    1. I THINK I have an account, but I NEVER tweet!!

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  4. OMG! Or should I say OMJesus--LOL! My personal favorite was god giving us free will and then flooding the whole place for not doing and being what he wanted!! I wondered about that as a kid. I wondered a lot about the bible, to be honest. ;)

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    Replies
    1. There's a lot to wonder about in there!!

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  5. You get out of it this time Jesus and Lord & Taylor made me laugh out loud.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, my laugh floats all the way from Florida to California.

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    2. It's OK as long as it doesn't scare the dogs!!

      Delete
  6. Finally! I now know how Lord & Taylor got its name. Makes sense.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I just got it! Lord and Taylor! Slow here today.

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    Replies
    1. As long as it came to you eventually!!

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  8. The Last Supper ones were my favorites. Why would anyone buy wine, all sitting on the same side of the table, and Judas calling it the NORMAL supper!

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    Replies
    1. Would you believe I wasn't invited?

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  9. You find so many hilarious funnies. My favorite of this batch: the mattress ad. Thanks for the laughter, Fishducky.

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    Replies
    1. You're welcome; I try to be a funny fishducky!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.