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Wednesday, May 10, 2017

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD, THE REAL STORY


I know it's true; I read it in the paper!!




In a forest, long ago, there lived a girl known as Red Riding Hood.  She was given a different name when she was born, but her birth certificate had been destroyed in a forest fire and nobody could remember what it was.  People called her Little Red Riding Hood because they didn't have too much imagination and her mother made all her clothes out of a bolt of red cloth that she had bought on sale years ago.  Her friends called her “Red”, so we will, too.

Red’s grandmother lived in a cottage nearby and every day Red’s mother sent the little girl over with a basket of supplies for the day.  She would bring her fruit and veggies, fresh bread and a bowl of soup or stew that Red’s mother had cooked the night before.  She’d also bring the morning paper, a few marijuana cigarettes and an occasional jar of dental cream; whatever Grandma needed.  Grandma would email her a list every morning.

This went on without change for quite a while.  Red was surprised when, one day, the email said, “Hi, Red.  All I need today is a few boxes of Froot Loops, some weed and a couple of quarts of milk. TTYL. G.”  She put on a pair of red pants and a red hoodie (it was chilly that morning) and went to Grandma’s house.  When she got there, she knocked on the door and a raspy voice asked, “Who is it?”  It’s Red,” she replied, “I have your stuff.”  “Just put it in the kitchen, dear,” said the voice, “I just ran a bubble bath and it feels so good I’m going to soak in here for a long time.”  Red put the Froot Loops and the weed on the kitchen counter and the milk in the refrigerator and went home.

For many days after that the email had the same message, “Just Froot Loops, grass and some milk again. G.”.  When Red arrived at the cottage, a voice from behind the door said that Grandma was in the tub or on the phone or that there was some other reason that she couldn’t see her then and to please just put the groceries away.   She was getting worried.  A diet of only cereal and milk couldn’t be good for her aging grandmother and she’d be running out of denture cream soon, too.

The next day she got to Grandma’s two hours earlier than usual, when she knew the old lady would still be in bed.  She got the spare key out from under the mat and let herself in.  There was a small figure in the bed, completely covered by the quilt.  Red said, “Hi, Grandma” and a raspy voice said, “Hello.”  Red said, “What a deep voice you have, Grandma,” and the answer came back, “I've been smoking a joint.”  Red saw her eyes and said, “What little beady eyes you have, Grandma.”  She heard, “That's from the damn joint.”  Then she saw her nose and said, “What a big nose you have, Grandma.  It looks like you’re a bird!” and she pulled the quilt completely off.

It wasn’t her grandmother in the bed at all; it was a toucan!!  He said, “You got me, kid!!  I’m Sam T. Toucan (the T. is for “the”) and I just love Froot Loops!!  Your grandmother moved to an assisted living home in the forest next door last week and rented me this place.  She's an old broad and I guess her memory’s slipping and she forgot to tell you.  She told me how you brought her a care package every day and I figured it was my chance to get all the Froot Loops and marijuana I wanted, for free.  I guess that was a bad move.  What do I owe you for the stuff?”  “Nothing,” she said, “I’m just relieved that Grandma’s all right.”  

Sam told her that he had a bolt of blue cloth that he had no use for and that he would like her to accept it in exchange for everything she had brought him.  She readily agreed.  He gave her the name and address of Grandma’s assisted living home and Red visited her three times a week.  When she did, I’m happy to say, she was always dressed in a lovely blue outfit.














Reading my blog is like rocking in a rocking chair; sure, it gives you something to do, but in the end you never get anywhere----fishducky 

 


18 comments:

  1. Unexpected and lovely. Hooray for generous Toucans. And a change from red outfits.

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    1. I may have been wearing one of her old outfits when this happened: When Sizzler Restaurants first opened, they didn’t have waiters. You picked up your own food & brought it to your table. I used to go there fairly often for dinner with the kids if my husband was working late. Normally, they had no problem in getting our orders correct. This particular night was another story. I have 3 children & 2 of their orders were wrong. I didn’t find out the second was wrong until I returned to the table with the first corrected order, so back I went. I came back to discover that mine was wrong, too! I didn’t have either the energy or the patience to make a third trip, so I asked my 8 year old son, who by then had finished his meal, to do it for me. I waited, in my red pants-suited splendor, for him to return. When he did, he told me the cook asked him, “Is your mother wearing red?”

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  2. It appears that grandma moving to the assisted living place in the next forest over made Red a little blue....

    I love your spin on these stories.

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  3. Not true. You always send me on a humorous little trip. ;)

    (Love your version, BTW.)

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    1. I can (& DO) go on mental trips even though my brain is out of gas!!

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  4. First a wolf and then a bird. Apparently two can play that game.

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    1. Actually, as many as can fit into my mind!!

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  5. Cracked up at "few marijuana cigarettes." That made it even more fun and current. They were medicinal right?

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    1. I'm sure Grandma had a prescription!!

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  6. Delightful as always! Thanks for perking up my sense of fun.

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    1. I'm plenty pleased to have at least partially perked you!!

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  7. What is it with these birds and their cereal? Next thing you know, Sam T. might be subletting Grandma's house to the Cuckoo who wants Cocoa Puffs.

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    1. Do cuckoos eat Cocoa Puffs?

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    2. They're CUCKOO FOR COCOA PUFFS! At least that one from the commercials I saw when I was a kid.

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  8. A weed smoking Toucan, that's new. I loved the cartoons and your story.

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    1. I like to keep my readers up to date!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.