Follow

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

ARE YOU THINKING OF HAVING A BABY?




( A reworked post from March, 2013)



 It takes so long to have one, you may forget why you thought 
it was a good idea in the first place!!  

First, some NECESSARY definitions:

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone says a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it & to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "Get a washcloth!"

SLEEP: A word used in fairy tales.


Telltale signs of being a mother:

Your feet stick to grape jelly on the kitchen floor & you don't care.

Popsicles have become a food staple.

You can't find your cell phone so you dial the number on your landline & run around the house madly following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

Your favorite TV show is a cartoon.

You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to a telemarketer that called & HE hangs up on YOU!

Your favorite cereal has marshmallows in it.

You go to the market ONLY when you're low on milk--or TV dinners.

Your kid throws up & you catch it.

You're wearing maternity clothes even though your youngest child is 4 years old.

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

Just once, you'd like to go to the bathroom alone.

You only have time to shave ONE leg.



100+ Reasons to Have Children (inashoe.com)

  1. Have a hap[pier marriage.
  2. Pay less income taxes.
  3. Learn to share, and like it.
  4. The ultimate diet plan: morning sickness and breastfeeding.
  5. Enjoy snuggles on demand, around the clock.
  6. Cuteness abounds.
  7. Disposable diapers.  There.  I said it.
  8. Receive preferential treatment in grocery lines.
  9. Be seated first (or last, if you prefer) on planes.
  10. Park in the “stork” space at grocery stores.
  11. Have an excuse to buy cool toys and cute little outfits.
  12. Children will love you on your worst day, and…
  13. they think you’re beautiful, even on bad hair days,
  14. or when you’re not wearing makeup.
  15. Free entertainment: kids are hilarious.
  16. Laughter is good for your health.  See above.
  17. Have family still living when you’re old.
  18. Have someone to help you when you’re old.
  19. Grandkids!
  20. Have someone to help care for your pets.
  21. But who needs pets?  Kids are way cuter, and they last longer.
  22. Unlike pets, kids eventually learn to take care of their own poop.
  23. Get a lollipop every time you go to the bank, along with your children.
  24. Tone your arms the old-fashioned way: tote a toddler.
  25. Kids eat free at many restaurants.
  26. Have an excuse to buy junk food.
  27. Sharing your junk food means less stays on your own hips.
  28. Children will eat and appreciate your failed cooking experiments.
  29. Embarrass your kids.  You won’t believe how fun it is.  Displays of affection with your spouse work well for this.
  30. Be better able to encourage other parents during rough times with their children because you’ve been-there-done-that.
  31. Blow bubbles.
  32. Give your friends somewhere to send their kids’ hand-me-downs.
  33. Burn calories: play with your kids.
  34. Kids will help hone your reactions with obstacle courses on the stairs.
  35. Save money by not buying birth control.
  36. Have sex without worrying about pregnancy.  It’s fun.
  37. Ask anyone who has given birth: the pains of labor are worth it.
  38. Pregnancy reduces menstrual cramps in subsequent periods.
  39. Pregnancy lowers your risk of ovarian cancer.
  40. Breastfeeding lowers your risk of breast cancer,
  41. and uterine cancer,
  42. and osteoporosis.
  43. Not using birth control lowers your risk of ectopic pregnancy.
  44. Think pregnancy dooms you to getting fat?  Take a look at my mom with her 14 kids.  Can you even tell which one she is?
    Mom and 14 children
  45. Pregnancy requires you to eat more.  I can appreciate that.
  46. Be motivated to be a better person.  Little eyes are watching.
  47. Help raise the languishing birth rate.
  48. Learn alongside your children.
  49. Read books you never would have discovered on your own.
  50. Reread your childhood favorites with and to a new generation.
  51. See the world through new, unjaded eyes.
  52. See yourself through your baby’s eyes.  It’s amazing.
  53. See yourself through your children's eyes.  You’ll never be the same again.
  54. See your flaws reflected in your children.  It’s enlightening and humbling.
  55. Kids will make you proud and keep you humble.
  56. If you make a mess while eating, everyone will assume the kids did it.
  57. Kid will say what you wish you could say, but can’t.
  58. Strengthen your relationship with your own parents by becoming a parent yourself.
  59. Stay physically active.  It’s much harder to be lazy when little ones depend on you.
  60. Improved immune system.  It’s a law of nature: Moms never get sick.
  61. If you do get sick, you have someone to take care of you without your spouse taking time off work.
  62. Baby smiles.
  63. Carrying a baby?  Strangers will smile at you.
  64. Babies are also a great conversation starter.
  65. Learn to delight in everyday occurrences.
  66. Translate toddler gibberish with ease for puzzled onlookers.
  67. Your own love for your child gives you a small taste of how much God loves His children.
  68. Live vicariously: remember that toy you never got as a child, but you’re too old to want it now?  Let your kids try it out.
  69. Relive your childhood: remember the toy you did get as a child?  Let your kids try it out.
  70. Rediscover the joy of crayons.
  71. Job security: moms have it.
  72. Learn and believe that happiness really doesn’t come from material wealth…
  73. …yet be amazed at how much joy you can buy your child with a quarter.
  74. Kids are cheap.
  75. Marvel that 2 people can produce children that are better-looking than either parent.  Heredity is a strange and wonderful thing.
  76. Be welcomed home like a returning war hero every time you go grocery shopping or to the post office.
  77. Be looked at like this: 
  78. Soft little fingers and toes.  They’re cute on other people’s children, but utterly priceless on your own children.
  79. The unbearable cuteness of newborn-size diapers. 
  80. Discover your super powers: make milk, and heal mortal wounds with a kiss.
  81. Ask any parent you know if they regret having kids.
  82. Learn to appreciate simple pleasures: ice cream cones, a single M&M, homemade cookies.
  83. Do you love your spouse?  Experience a miracle: a new person who looks like both of you.
  84. After 10 years of children, washing dishes becomes optional.  
  85. Get special treatment on Mother’s Day.
  86. Breakfast in bed is fun, even when it’s cheerios and multivitamins.  
  87. Experience the triumph of potty training.
  88. Have the advantage of a youthful memory again: have your kids remind you about important things. 
  89. Expand your wardrobe: share clothes with your teens.
  90. Gather candy from the piñata without getting funny looks.
  91. Have help cooking.
  92. Be a safer driver,
  93. In a safer vehicle.
  94. Free or cheap manicures and pedicures.  I pay a dollar.
  95. Ditto for back/shoulder rubs.
  96. Perpetually late?  You don’t even have to blame it on the kids.  People will assume.
  97. Vanity?  You’ll look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.
  98. Paint your kids’ nails in a color you like but could never wear yourself.
  99. Have your bed made for $.25/day.  Maid service has never been so cheap or cheerful, and there’s no need to report payments to the IRS.
  100. If you’ve never had a baby fall asleep on your chest, you just don’t know what you’re missing.
  101. Homemade friends.  My children are some of my favorite companions.
  102. Kids with money ROCK!  They buy their own clothes, treat you to Starbucks, and buy you unbelievable birthday/Christmas gifts.
  103. World domination through militant fecundity!!! [maniacal laughter]
I have to warn you, there's a BIG responsibility in children!



They can be a big responsibility for YOU, too!
They CAN be helpful--most of them are better with computers than we are.




True, they sometimes complain & are hard to handle:

















But we know how to cope with that:















We have our dreams for them:

And if that doesn't work out, there's always this:

And this:


They can be awfully cute for a while, though:



"Just go to sleep," said Mama Monster. "There's no child under your bed."
--James Hutchings 

"I've noticed that the one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse."
--Dave Barry

A different point of view:
"It's good to have kids.  It satisfies those maternal feelings, like when I'm lying on the couch & I can't reach the remote control."
--Kathleen Madigan




Erma Bombeck once said, "Grandchildren are God's reward to you for letting your own children live."   I AGREE!!----fishducky



 


15 comments:

  1. #25: unheard of here
    #38: no it doesn't I know a few people with more than one child who all say labor was a breeze compared to menstrual cramps and the problem continued after births.
    #74: kids are cheap - only until they go to school and see what every other kid has and want the same.
    Ha Ha on the 3 junior meals and a vasectomy.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like the psychiatrist the best...sums it all up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But if I only printed that my post would have been much too short!!

      Delete
  3. I may not agree with every one of them, but this was a fabulous post! Great cartoons, too. I'm so happy I have been getting your blog posts again! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm happy you're getting them, too!!

      Delete
  4. I can relate to everyone of these weather it be me as a child or a child of my own.
    Lisa

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Even though you've only had one child?

      Delete
  5. I really related to the couple waving goodbye to their kid and lamenting to loss of tech support.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My personal tech support lives just over an hour away!!

      Delete
  6. These were delightfully true and made me wonder briefly if my powdered eggs could be reconstituted. Naw, guess I'll stick with dogs at my age. If dogs get pregnant, you can sell the babies.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Young Godzilla could be a real monster!

    It became harder to feed my kids after Genius's 3rd Grade teacher told the class what hot dogs were made of.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.