Follow

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

SOME THINGS ARE PRIVATE



Many years ago, before the advent of cell phones, I had a problem in my female area.  I itched like crazy!!  I know what to do for a minor vaginal itch; scratch!!  That didn't stop it so I went to the gynecologist & he/she (I don't remember which) took some tests.  I was told to call back the next day for the results.  The next day I was on the golf course so I called them from an outdoor pay phone, surrounded by a crowd of loud talking people.  Whoever took my call asked me what my problem had been & they had trouble hearing me, so they kept asking me to speak louder.  I guess I was supposed to yell in a crowd of strangers, "I'M CALLING ABOUT MY BAD VAGINAL ITCH!!"  If I remember correctly, what I did yell was, "I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER!!"

An answering machine might have been better.

Steven, my internist, is a friend of mine.. He used to be in a medical group with five or six other doctors, all of whom I knew personally.  He found some sort of problem with one of my breasts.  I think he found a lump so he marked the spot with ink.  He asked me if it was OK if his associate checked it & I told him it was.  One at a time, they all came in & we had a nice visit.  At least, it was probably nice for them.  For me, sitting there with no bra or blouse on, not so much.  So many people came in I expected a painter or handyman to be next!!




In the days of house calls (you can ask your grandparents what they were) I had the flu so I called Steve.  He came over, checked me out & said I needed a shot.  I was in bed in my pajamas, & I asked him where so I could either roll up a sleeve or slide down the bottoms.  His answer was, "I can give it to you in the arm or in the butt, but it's better in the butt.  Tell you what, I'll give it to you in the butt but I won't look."  I told him to look, just not to remember!! 

The first time I ever broke a toe, my husband & I were playing cards at my brother & sister-in-law’s house on a Sunday evening.  My brother-in-law was a veterinarian.  We decided that he would bandage my foot & I would see my doctor Monday, instead of bothering him on the weekend.  Apparently, my brother-in-law used a LOT of bandage to wrap it, because when I went to Steve the next day he asked, “Who the hell bandaged your foot?  It looks like a hoof!”  I said, “Funny you should mention that.  My veterinarian did it.”

I had a mastectomy a couple of years ago.  That didn’t bother me too much except that after I finally got my arm back in working order, I fell & broke it.  It finally works perfectly again, but for quite a while I couldn’t pull up my own underwear.  My son, my husband & I were talking about online dating.  I said I should put my name out there with the description, "Old broad who can't pull up her own underwear."  Blake thought that should get me several hits!!

I once bought an embroidered pillow for a friend.  Maybe I should have gotten one for myself, too.  It shows a cow lying on her back with her udder hanging to one side.  It says, with the letters dragging down, towards the bottom corner, “No, really--I’m f   i    n     e….”


Sort of like this:















The doctor said I've got this little piece of brain lodged in my skull, but when they get it out, I'll be fine----fishducky

 



21 comments:

  1. I agree that somethings should be private. Listening to mobile/cell phone calls on the bus we are in the minority.
    And I am a tad ashamed to say that I listen.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ha! Love that last "dirty underwear" cartoon.

    ReplyDelete
  3. How funny that the whole group needed to examine you. That is either a really nice compliment or----. Loved the veterinarian hoof bandage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was like a really weird party!!

      Delete
  4. OMG! The answering machine was hysterical! Well, all of this was today. From the not wanting to shout in a public place (don't we wish not so many people did--unless it was really interesting, of course) and I'm the janitor to the dirty underwear and little piece of brain. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Re the shouting: It WOULD have been interesting!!

      Delete
  5. Your real life stories are funnnier than the cartoons.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes that's a good thing; sometimes it's NOT!!

      Delete
  6. Wait! How many time have you broken a toe?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At least half a dozen times, probably more. The last time was May of this year!!

      Delete
  7. I hate teaching hospital because one doctor comes in to see the patient and is joined by a crowd of young doctors who stand in a corner to stare.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One has to hope they're learning!!

      Delete
    2. Who knows if they're really enrolled in school? They might be voyeurs.

      Delete
    3. Do you suppose there are scholarships available in voyeuring?

      Delete
  8. But I'm just the janitor ha ha, I wonder if my insurance covers that reverse prostate exam?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Check with your agent (& dentist)!!

      Delete
  9. I loved the hoof bandage! My husband used to look in on an old man friend of his, and found out he was taking the dog's medicine for his aching legs. "It seems to help Lady, and it's cheap, so I figured I'd give it a try." Apparently it didn't hurt him, but I didn't ask if it made his nose cold and wet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He'd probably be OK, unless he started barking!!

      Delete
  10. I used to wonder about that clean underwear directive, assuming everyone wore clean underwear when about to go out. Having smelled an assortment of body odours since then, I now know that many people couldn't care less about clean clothes or clean bodies.

    ReplyDelete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.