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Thursday, August 31, 2017

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER AGE 65






1.   Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2.   With a 5-lb   potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there for as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3.   Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

4.   Then try 50-lb potato bags, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight out for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level.)

5.   After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.



Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily but my body doesn't want me to do too much, so I have worked out this program of 24 strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise. You are invited to use my program without charge. 


1) Beating around the bush 

2) Jumping to conclusions
 

3) Climbing the walls
 

4) Swallowing my pride
 

5) Passing the buck
 

6) Throwing my weight around
 

7) Dragging my heels
 

8) Pushing my luck
 

9) Making mountains out of molehills
 

10) Hitting the nail on the head
 

11) Wading through paperwork
 

12) Bending over backwards
 

13) Jumping on the bandwagon
 

14) Balancing the books
 

15) Running around in circles
 

16) Picking up the pieces
 

17) Tooting my own horn
 

18) Climbing the ladder of success
 

19) Pulling out the stops
 

20) Adding fuel to the fire


21) Opening a can of worms


22) Picking up the pieces  


23) Starting the ball rolling 


24) Going over the edge 

And for my diet:

1) Eating crow

2) Putting my foot in my mouth
(ArcaMax)


I know you're not old yet, but here are some signs that you might be getting there:

The porn you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”


Your doctor doesn’t give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there. 
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.

Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

College kids call you mister.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.

After painting the town red, you need to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.

After climbing the ladder of success and reaching the top, you realize that it was leaning on the wrong wall.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

All the names in your little black book end with MD.
 
(members.tripod.com)


                                                              A funny video for you:
Click here.


















I don't want to say I'm old & worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash pickup day----fishducky



 





Wednesday, August 30, 2017

DO YOU REMEMBER SHADOW PUPPETS?


Bud & I have been going out to dinner on Saturday with our kids & grandkids for as long as I can remember.  When our group was having coffee I would usually go out for a cigarette.  When the grandkids were small they would go outside with me.  Quite often I amused them by making shadow puppets.  Mine were pretty simple, like these:


I wish I had known how to do some advanced ones, like these:












He wasn't our president then:


These two videos are beautifully done.





Work on your shadow puppetry while caffeinating. Buy it here.

























----fishducky


 







Tuesday, August 29, 2017

I WAS A MEAN MOM & I'M PROUD OF IT


I said that I would never yell at my kids like my mother did at me.
Good luck not doing that!!


I never intended to be a mean mom, but sometimes it just happens.  Here are just two examples. Bud & I were deeply involved in Cub Scouts.  He was the Cubmaster & I was the head Den Leader.  We hosted a dinner for all the Den Leaders & their spouses.  Nameless, who was 10 or 11 at the time, informed us a couple of days before the dinner that it was scheduled for her birthday.  The dinner went on as planned.

The other example is from an old post. I was feeling put upon, unappreciated & totally exhausted—in  other words, completely normal for someone with 3 children, all under the age of 6.  I couldn’t take it any longer.  I had to get away.  I HAD TO RUN AWAY!!  I couldn’t leave the kids alone so I piled them in the backseat of the car & strapped them in to keep them from killing each other.  I understand that there is a secondary (& therefore of lesser importance) benefit to seat belts.  It helps keep them safe.  They asked where we were going.  I told them “I DON’T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!” & not to say another word.  I drove.  Anywhere.  We ended up at an ice cream parlor about 5 miles from the house.  So the trip wouldn’t be a total loss, we all went in & had sundaes.  I'm sure they were curious as to why I had taken them out for a treat when they were being bad but I wouldn’t allow them to talk yet.

These are my little angels about that time:


If you want to be picky, I guess you'd have to include the time I set Blake on fire (click here) or when I made him into a base for a milkfall (click here) but to be fair, those things could have happened to anybody.  

I sent this email to Matt:
I'm writing this post on how I was a mean mom & I can't think of any times I punished you inappropriately or treated you badly.  Can you remember anything?

This was his response:
Sorry. After the constant beatings I suffered in my youth I have no long term memory. As a matter of fact my short term memory sucks too - who the hell are you? 

Here are some other "mean moms"
who were perhaps a little more inventive than me:









Mean moms don't let their kids get away with saying "I'm bored."
Even when they have their friends over.

When mean moms say, "No TV" they mean no TV.

Of course, this might happen

or this

But eventually they may understand
































This is for the mean dads out there:


Kids used to ask where they came from.
Now they'll tell you where to go!!

If you think I was mean it's because I'm doing my job as your mom; if I was nice you would call me Grandma----fishducky