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Tuesday, August 1, 2017

75 REALLY BAD JOKES



Disclaimer: You have been warned!!



1. What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.





NBC

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!





NBC

3. You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.





4. Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.





5. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.





6. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!





NBC

7. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?





Paramount

8. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!





CBS / Via giphy.com

9. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don’t serve food here."





Comedy Central

10. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1





PBS

11. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse!





TBS

12. CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”





NBC

13. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.





Universal

14. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!





New Line Cinema

15. Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!





NBC

16. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.





NBC

17. KID: "Hey, I was thinking…
" DAD: "I thought I smelled something burning.”





18. How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!





NBC

19. A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"





CBS

20. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there!





ABC

21. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.





ABC

22. FAST FOOD WORKER: "Any condiments?" DAD: "Compliments? You look very nice today!”





MGM

23. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.





Paramount

24. I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.





Warner Bros.

25. A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”





PBS

26. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.





ABC

27. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I’m looking for the man who shot my paw."





Paramount

28. When you ask a dad if he's alright: "No, I’m half left.”





HBO

29. I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!





Thames Television

30. GROCERY STORE CHECKER: "Paper or plastic?" DAD: "Either, I’m bisacktual.”





ESPN

31. How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad? A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”





NBC

32. Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.





NBC

33. 5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.





New Line Cinema

34. MOM: "How do I look?" DAD: "With your eyes."





CNN

35. What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.





ESPN

36. What did the horse say after it tripped? "Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”





NBC

37. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.





38. What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroganoff.





Comedy Central

39. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!





NBC

40. Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!





Paramount

41. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.





Howard Stern/Sirius

42. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino.





TBS

43. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.





Comedy Central

44. I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.





USA

45. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: "They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.”





ABC

46. When a dad drives past a cow pasture: LOOK! That cow is OUT-STANDING in his field!





47. What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.





HBO

48. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.





Warner Bros.

49. Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.





NBC

50. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.





Laugh Factory / Via giphy.com

51. Why didn't the vampire attack Taylor Swift? She had bad blood.





52. WAITRESS: "Soup or salad?" DAD: "I don’t want a SUPER salad, I want a regular salad.”





Fox

53. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.





Paramount

54. Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.





BBC

55. NURSE: "Blood type?" DAD: "Red."





Fox

56. SERVER: "Sorry about your wait." DAD: "Are you saying I’m fat?”





NBC

57. KID: "Dad, make me a sandwich!" DAD: "Poof, you’re a sandwich!”





Flickr: gageskidmore / Via Creative Commons

58. What do you call a fish with two knees? A “two-knee” fish.





FX

59. You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.





BBC

60. I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.





Columbia

61. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.





62. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!





NBC

63. Can February March? No, but April May!





64. What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.





Disney

65. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.





20th Century Fox

66. When you ask a dad if they got a haircut: "No, I got them all cut!"





67. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”





NBC


68. What does an angry pepper do? It gets jalapeño your face.





HBO

69. Why wasn't the woman happy with the Velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.






CBS

70. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.






CBC

71. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.






Columbia

72. Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.






Hulu

73. You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.






CBS

74. DAD, TO A SINGER: "Don’t forget a bucket." SINGER: "Why?" DAD: "To carry your tune."






Comedy Central

75. Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.

(BuzzFeed)



And because you've been so patient, here are a couple more:

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"That's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?"

What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

----fishducky

 





18 comments:

  1. Oh dear.
    Groaning. But still smiling.
    And will add one of my favourite jokes.
    What is red and invisible?
    Bloody nothing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. These were fun groaners. Loved all the celebrities cracking up. Really surprised at 57. My Dad actually use to say that.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The sillies around here are non-stop, and appreciated.
    When I see Biden, I smile. He's a good one.
    I'm committing the elephant-rhino combo to memory. Why didn't I think of that? It's cute and memorable.
    Hugs, Fishducky.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How do you feel?
    With my hands :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. So much here to laugh at. Must come back for another bout of laughter.

    ReplyDelete
  6. That was a list for sure, had to laugh at a few ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  7. I thoroughly enjoyed the anti-gravity book, but the tearable piece of paper slowed me down. As a former science teacher, I am well aware of the untrustworthy atoms!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As you know, they make up everything!!

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.