*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I just googled, "how to get away with killing my husband" on @IMKristenBell phone.
Just in case. Now there's a record.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you're going to wear?
Wife: *trying to open a can of tuna* Our can opener is broken.
Me: So it's a can't opener?
Wife: I can't believe I married you.