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Monday, August 21, 2017

THINGS THAT MAY MAKE YOU MORE BEAUTIFUL BUT PROBABLY WON'T





1. These camel toe guards.



For when you don’t want the world do know that you have a vulva. Apparently they’re sported by the one and only Kim K.

2. And from the same brand, here’s some pubic hair dye.




Clearly, the most pressing question here is why purple is the only color deemed “sexy” from this selection. Who made the executive decision that pubes are most sexy when purple?

3. This face-slimmer.


This entirely innocent-looking mouthpiece supposedly slims your face down by working the muscles around your jaw.

4. A 24k gold face mask.


Peter Thomas Roth / LookFantastic / Via lookfantastic.com
For when you want to look like King Homer. Yours for just £55.00.

5. But if £55 for a tub of gold to smear on to your face is a bit too dear, you can get these gold eye masks for just 99p.



eBay / Via ebay.co.uk


Supposedly consisting of 24k gold and collagen.

6. In fact, face mask sheets in general are real popular right now.


But they are apparently really good, so like ¯\_()_/¯.

7. This totally pious beauty kit.


Blue Q / Amazon / Via amazon.com
Unfortunately no longer in stock, presumably as the result of God’s wrath. However, you can still add them to your Amazon wishlist and hope for their miraculous return.

8. Genital dye.


My New Pink Button / Via mynewpinkbutton.com
Are you tired of your sexual partners shrieking in disgust and horror at your beige labia? No? Well, you should be. Start by paying money to smear pink chemical dyes  all over your genitals
.

9. Bumhole bleach.


IKB / Amazon / Via amazon.co.uk
But what good is a perfectly pink vagina to you if your bumhole doesn’t match? Good news that the market has foreseen this and provided you, the consumer, with much-needed bumhole bleach. Buy it for the low, low price of £5.11.

10. Evian Mineral Water Spray.


Superdrug / Via superdrug.com
Literally just water in a spray can, for when you can’t be bothered to drink. Just let the water absorb through your skin. Act like the single cell microbe that you are. Only £5.99 to perform osmosis.

11. A spoon specifically designed to scrape out the last bit of your products.


Beauty Spoon / Via beautyspoon.com
Do you hate wasting products, but don’t want to just use any old flat, long and thin object to scoop out the last remnants of your foundation? Well then, this is the product for you.

12. This nose-straightening clip.


Amazon / SodaCoda / Via amazon.co.uk
This friendly gadget straightens your nose and prevents you from breathing, all in one! Have a straight nose, or die trying.

13. This sleeping mask.


Amazon / SodaCoda / Via amazon.co.uk
Not a ridiculous or original concept in and of itself, save for the fact it makes you look like you fused bodies with a fly. You can get it here.

14. This chin-slimming strap.


Ewin24 / Amazon / Via amazon.co.uk


Mould your doughy face into a more appealing doughy face.

15. Placenta moisturizing cream.


ReBirth / Amazon / Via amazon.co.uk
Why waste perfectly good sheep innards when you can rub them into your skin?

16. And of course, the CandyLipz lip plumper.


CandyLipz / Amazon / Via amazon.co.uk
Why settle for thin lips when you can have luscious, bruised, and swollen lips instead? And for just under £50!

17. And, for the men, colored shaving cream.



Firebox / Via firebox.com



This is a shaving cream, except unlike normal shaving cream, it comes in different colors. Also, it has an “invigorating and reassuringly masculine” scent. This way, you can have fun and be reassured about your masculinity while shaving!!
(buzzfeed UK)























17 comments:

  1. Oh dear.
    And yes, today I DO need a good concealer. There has definitely been some emotional leakage.
    Thank you for the chuckles. And even the winces.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think today the winces outnumbered the chuckles!!

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. What color shaving cream is your favorite?

      Delete
  3. Camel-toe guards? Now I think I've seen everything.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
  4. "Lipstick is like a bra for your face." Never thought of it in those terms but that about sums it up--for me for sure.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't wear too big a bra (or too much lipstick)!!

      Delete
  5. Oh my I laughed and thought what the hell

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's the thought that usually goes through my mind when I publish my posts!!

      Delete
  6. That was just about too much information ha ha

    ReplyDelete
  7. I've got to start reading earlier in the day. I foresee nightmares after the face mask sheet, sleeping mask, and chin-slimming strap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe Hick could use some of these!!

      Delete
  8. Plenty of emotional leakage here too. Love the one that "helps get rid of crow's feet".
    For me beauty is a happy smiling face. No further decoration needed.
    And almost anything nature can throw at me. Rainbows, stormy oceans, forested mountains, you name it, it's beautiful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you have a problem with gold face patches?

      Delete

Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.