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Friday, September 29, 2017

IT'S NOT TOO EARLY TO START TRAINING


(Some of this is reworked from an August, 2016 post.  Some of it is new.  Do you care?)


Although the next Olympics don't start until February 9th of next year, it would be a good idea to stay in (or get into) shape.  Here are some proposed events for the Mother's Olympics at the next Games:


Lifesaving luge--Teams of 3 mothers careen down a mountainside at breakneck speed to grab their babies before they put that in their mouths.

500 meter "Ouch, dammit!" relay--Teams of mothers carrying toddlers on their shoulders will run barefoot on a track strewn with Legos & assorted pieces of Barbie dolls.  Toddler's hands must remain over mother's eyes until baton is passed.

Consecutive bathing--Mothers will bathe as many children as possible before one of the already bathed children needs another bath.  Necessity of second bath will be determined by judges wearing Hazmat suits.

Toddler/grocery jump--Mothers will jump over free-moving toddlers while carrying multiple bags of groceries.  Extra points will be awarded for also carrying babies.  Dropping any bags or babies or will result in disqualification.

"The bake sale is tomorrow" race--Mothers will have their choice of baking 6 dozen cookies or 2 dozen cupcakes while children are clinging to their legs. Cookies & cupcakes must be frosted.  If children are frosted, competitors will be disqualified.

Brownie/Cub Scout leader craft pole vault—Mothers will have their children construct a vaulting pole using only materials found in their homes (i.e., the cardboard toilet paper center, twisty straws, paper cups, glitter, etc.).  Points will be divided equally by height of jump & beauty of pole.

"I can't find my favorite shirt" race--Mothers will be required to find, wash, dry & iron a hidden shirt in the shortest time.  Extra points will be awarded for sewing buttons back on.  Buying a replacement shirt or killing child will result in disqualification.

Boxing--Mothers must get as many children as possible in a box, tape it shut, address it & get it to UPS for shipping.  At the moment, judges are undecided whether putting air holes in the box should result in extra points or a deduction thereof.  Addressee refusing package will result in disqualification.

Beach volleyball--Mothers wearing bikinis will propel a child back & forth over a net.  Extra points will be awarded for "spiking" child.  Points will be deducted for no longer being able to fit into a bikini.

Uneven parallel bars--Officials feel this is inherently unfair & that everything in these events should be even.  They are currently working on ways to include this competition on a  more even basis.

Floor exercise--Mothers will first let toddlers feed themselves spaghetti, then clean floor using only mops, brooms, dustpans and/or the family dog.  Use of long haired dogs is suggested.

Cell phone vault--Mothers will call for help while executing a vault.  Having 911 on speed dial will result in disqualification.

Synchronized whining--(Restricted to mothers of 3 or more children) Mothers must train their children to whine a recognizable musical selection.  Extra points will be awarded for operatic arias.

"I need to be at" medley--Mothers will drive multiple children to classes, play dates & sporting events.  Extra points will be awarded for returning children to starting position.  Forgetting any necessary equipment, snacks, clothing or children will result in disqualification.

Unbalanced beam--Mothers must prepare a fancy meal for guests while executing cartwheels, splits & flips on a 4" wide beam.  Extra points will be awarded for children demanding immediate help with their homework or yelling, "She's looking at me!"  Certificate of Unbalancedment signed by a state certified psychiatrist is required. 

Bubble bath marathon--Mothers must stay in a bubble bath with NO children coming into the bathroom.  Scoring will be based on a combination of time in tub, pruniness of fingers & the amount of wine consumed.  Extra points will be awarded if mother falls asleep.  Points will be deducted for children banging on or yelling through the door. 




Here are some Olympics for the lazy:


Some everyday Olympics:



















I got so much procrastinating done today----fishducky

 



Thursday, September 28, 2017

BITS & PIECES OF THIS & THAT FROM MOM'S/GRANDMA'S PAST


 (Reworked from a January, 2015 post.)


First, a quick story about me & my grandmother.  I absolutely adored her!!  Bubbe (Yiddish for grandma) lived with us for a few years.  She & I were taking a bath together & I told her that when I grew up I wanted to have titties down to my knees, just like her.  I meant it as a compliment but somehow it upset her.  Go figure!!


When Nameless was about a year old & I was very pregnant with our next one, she & I were marketing in an extremely crowded grocery store.  She was seated in the cart facing me & I was wearing maternity pants & a loose fitting smock on top.  She had been told to be careful of my stomach because there was a baby in there.  She lifted up my top & yelled, "I wanna see the baby!!"  I was still young enough at the time to be embarrassed.

I used to bite my nails badly.  When I had kids I decided I had to stop so they wouldn't pick up the habit.  I was about 30 at the time & I told my friend John that I had stopped.  He said to tell him again in 50 years so he could know for sure that I had really quit.  It's been 50+ years & John--I still don't bite my nails!!  

I got a piece of junk mail from someone or something called Tennille Frith.  When I glanced quickly at it, I read it as Terminal Filth.  Maybe it was--I didn't open it.  I was also sent an ad that said “your personality matches with photos”—I read it as “with psychos”!!  This sort of thing happens to me occasionally.  I remember when my kids were around 10, I was sitting in my car in a market parking lot while one of them ran into the store to get something.  I was looking around at the market's sales signs (& obviously at the signs at the gas station next door)  when I thought I saw a sign that said "Nectarine on Duty".  It's nice to know that there are jobs available for people (& fruit) that want them!!

When Nameless II was born her parents named her something that rhymes with "ara".  I wrote her a song that I used to sing to her while I was changing her diaper or trying to soothe her.  It must have had 15 verses but I can only remember a few of them.  The melody was sort of singsong. It went something like this: "--ara, --ara, --ara, --ara, in your beautiful tiara, I’ll be back again tomorra’ to see --ara, --ara, --ara” & “--ara, --ara, --ara, --ara, riding on your capybara, I’ll be back again tomorra’ to see --ara, --ara, --ara” & "--ara, --ara, --ara, --ara, drive your really fast sports car-a, I’ll be back again tomorra’ to see --ara, --ara, --ara” & lastly, "--ara, --ara, --ara, --ara, prettier than a movie star-a, I’ll be back again tomorra’ to see --ara, --ara, --ara”.

Nameless II was almost 1 1/2 years old when she came to our house for Christmas.  There were a bazillion or two gifts under the tree. (My family used to claim that if I gave someone a deck of cards I would wrap each one individually.  Possibly a slight exaggeration.)  Anyway, she took one look at the tree & the gifts & her eyes grew huge.  She drew in a deep breath & said in a baby voice, "So many pwesents--all fo' Nameless II !!"

Erma Bombeck once said, “Grandchildren are God’s reward for letting your own children live.”  I think she was right.  I was staying at my Nameless’ house to help out while she had her second baby.  My then 2 year old other granddaughter was attached to me like Velcro.  She even ate all her meals while sitting on my lap.  I tried to explain to her that I couldn’t stay forever, that I had my own house to take care of & that her grandpa needed me, too.  I asked her if she understood that I would have to leave soon.  She hugged me & in a sweet, loving, singsong voice, said, “Yes—but not todaaaaaay!”  It's become a standard line in our family.



A couple of years later (the girls were about 2 & 4) we were at a restaurant with them having dinner.  The younger one—we’ll call her Nameless III—had just finished her dinner & was very sleepy.  The server came to our table & asked if we wanted dessert.  We told her no, but Nameless III said she wanted some.  Her daddy told her she was much too tired.  She said, very politely, “No, Daddy, I’m not.  I’d really like some…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”  She was out like a light!!

Nameless asked me to not be so cute with her young daughter.  I once told her I was very hungry; that my stomach was "full of empty".  The next day in nursery school, when asked if she wanted a snack, that's what she told her teacher.  Everyone but Nameless II was confused.

Matt was out here from Connecticut, staying with his brother Blake, when the 9/11 terrorist attack occurred.  As you'll remember, all planes were grounded after that for a week or so.  Matt's 6 year old daughter, Lisa, missed her daddy.  Her mom tried to explain to her why he couldn't get a plane home for a while.  Lisa asked her mom, "Why can't he walk?"

I've run this before but a grandma likes to kvell (Yiddish for brag):

Bud & I were at a restaurant with our daughter, her husband & their two then teen aged daughters.  One of the girls said that some movie star, I think it was Johnny Depp, was cool.  Their father asked, “What about me?  I’m cool.”  They laughed & told him, “Dad, you’re not cool!”  He asked if their mom was cool.  “No.”  “What about Grandpa?  Is Grandpa cool?”  They thought for a minute & said, “Not really.”  He then asked, “How about Grandma?  Is she…”  Before he could finish his question, they answered, in one voice, “Yeah, Grandma’s cool!!”














We make small talk; why don’t we make large talk?----fishducky

 



Wednesday, September 27, 2017

♪♫♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♫♪♪










Although this is not me:
Here are all the awards I've won:




(Today is my 83rd birthday so it seemed appropriate to run this reworked post from January, 2012)

Although my husband claims some of my best memories never happened, I say what's the difference, as long as they're good memories?  I'm pretty sure all of these did!!  I made a list of some of the things that were interesting and/or fun in my life.  I know I can’t remember everything, but what I do remember includes:

I’ve ridden on an elephant, a camel, horses & mules.  I’ve been parasailing & in hot air balloons & the Goodyear blimp.  I’ve flown in everything from a 4 seater to a private plane to a jumbo jet. I flew at zero gravity, like an astronaut.  I’ve ridden in trucks, buses, jeeps, a Rolls Royce, limos & was a passenger in a VERY fast car on the Autobahn.  I drove my own Mustang at 105 mph--once.  I’ve been on sailboats, canoes, speedboats, catamarans, zodiac rafts, hydrofoils, pedal boats, paddlewheels, ferry boats & cruise ships, including the QEII.  I’ve been on tricycles, bicycles & roller skates.  I rode a tram car in a mine.  I’ve ridden a Segway.  I’ve been on roller coasters, bumper cars & Ferris wheels.  I’ve ridden on a hay wagon, a sled in the snow & gone snorkeling. I’ve ridden trains (including monorails & funicular railways) & small & large helicopters.  I’ve been on aerial tramways.  I tried my hand at a flight simulator that real pilots use--& (virtually) crashed.

I've taken my kids & my nieces & nephews on many whale watching trips.  I’ve petted & swam with dolphins (they feel like a wetsuit) & seen stalagmites & stalactites in caves. I’ve been to spring training with the San Francisco Giants.  I’ve petted a bobcat & once slapped her in the face.  I picked a man’s pocket (successfully) in a London restaurant to retrieve my dinner roll.  I went to the Calgary Stampede.  I’ve broken one leg, one arm & several toes. I’ve sent koi into a feeding frenzy.  My family & I saw the fireworks on July 4th, 2000, while sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. I’ve seen the inside of the White House & Congress, the Viet Nam Memorial wall, the Statue of Liberty, the Mona Lisa & the Venus de Milo.  I've seen (& touched) the Liberty Bell.  I’ve seen the foliage change in New England, Plymouth Rock, the Eiffel Tower, the Berlin Wall, the Sistine Chapel, the palace of the King of Siam, Niagara Falls & a space shuttle landing. I wore real circus clown makeup in Florida.  I once flew out of Los Angeles on a Friday to attend a party in London on Saturday & returned on Sunday.  I’ve been to World's Fairs.  I’ve stayed in fleabag motels & at the Waldorf Astoria.  I've been to Disneyland & the Epcot Center.  I was at the World Series in 1989 when the Loma Prieta earthquake hit & had a challenging time driving our rental car back through a very dark San Francisco to our borrowed house.  I am an artist & work mostly with stained glass, although I’ve also worked in pen & ink, charcoals, pastels & oils.  I’ve been to most US states, including Hawaii & Alaska.  I’ve visited Canada & Mexico.  I’ve also seen Ecuador, the Bahamas, the Cayman Islands, Costa Rica, the Virgin Islands, Jamaica, the Galapagos Islands, England, France, Spain, Germany (including East Berlin), Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Ireland, the Philippines, Singapore, Morocco, Thailand, Japan & China.


We owned a condo on Maui for several years.  I’ve sewn many of my children’s clothes.  I attended UCLA & worked as a salesgirl & a dental assistant.  I’ve studied French, Spanish, Italian & Japanese.  I have been married to the same man for 62 years & am the mother of three & the grandmother of four.  I was in the delivery room when my first grandchild was born.  I was a Brownie & Girl Scout leader, head Cub Scout den mother & a donor & volunteer on Red Cross blood drives. Lucille Ball held me in her arms in a movie scene when I was a month or so old. I’ve been on TV as a contestant on "Truth or Consequences" & I answered phones on a Cerebral Palsy telethon.  At the tender age of 77, I started posting my own blog, “fishducky, finally” here at fishducky.blogspot.com.  About five years ago my first book, “Fishducky’s Fables”, was released & I have been published in several anthologies since then.  My body may be 83 years old, but in my mind I’m only 36.  I've had a great life & I'm not through yet!!  Some people might say I’ve done everything & had everything.  I say you can’t have everything!  Where would you put it? And what is my point, you ask?  My point is--if I can remember all this, why can’t I remember what I had for lunch yesterday?

Actually, I have a theory about senior's memory (or lack thereof).  I've posted this before, but if it refers to you, you probably don't remember it:

If you subscribe to the theory, as I do, that the brain is like a computer, then you know that it has a finite number of memory bytes.  As we age, gravity pulls these memories down, filling first our feet, then our legs, our bellies & butts (which would also explain why many older people seem to have gained weight in these areas) & finally reach our brains, which eventually become full.  Since humans don’t have a DELETE key, there is simply no room for new memories.  This is why we people “of a certain age” can remember who sat next to us in the third grade but have no idea of what we ate for lunch yesterday.  We are NOT forgetful—WE ARE SIMPLY FULL!! 








Some people's memories:

And others:



























Life should be an adventure, not a chore----fishducky