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Friday, September 29, 2017

IT'S NOT TOO EARLY TO START TRAINING


(Some of this is reworked from an August, 2016 post.  Some of it is new.  Do you care?)


Although the next Olympics don't start until February 9th of next year, it would be a good idea to stay in (or get into) shape.  Here are some proposed events for the Mother's Olympics at the next Games:


Lifesaving luge--Teams of 3 mothers careen down a mountainside at breakneck speed to grab their babies before they put that in their mouths.

500 meter "Ouch, dammit!" relay--Teams of mothers carrying toddlers on their shoulders will run barefoot on a track strewn with Legos & assorted pieces of Barbie dolls.  Toddler's hands must remain over mother's eyes until baton is passed.

Consecutive bathing--Mothers will bathe as many children as possible before one of the already bathed children needs another bath.  Necessity of second bath will be determined by judges wearing Hazmat suits.

Toddler/grocery jump--Mothers will jump over free-moving toddlers while carrying multiple bags of groceries.  Extra points will be awarded for also carrying babies.  Dropping any bags or babies or will result in disqualification.

"The bake sale is tomorrow" race--Mothers will have their choice of baking 6 dozen cookies or 2 dozen cupcakes while children are clinging to their legs. Cookies & cupcakes must be frosted.  If children are frosted, competitors will be disqualified.

Brownie/Cub Scout leader craft pole vault—Mothers will have their children construct a vaulting pole using only materials found in their homes (i.e., the cardboard toilet paper center, twisty straws, paper cups, glitter, etc.).  Points will be divided equally by height of jump & beauty of pole.

"I can't find my favorite shirt" race--Mothers will be required to find, wash, dry & iron a hidden shirt in the shortest time.  Extra points will be awarded for sewing buttons back on.  Buying a replacement shirt or killing child will result in disqualification.

Boxing--Mothers must get as many children as possible in a box, tape it shut, address it & get it to UPS for shipping.  At the moment, judges are undecided whether putting air holes in the box should result in extra points or a deduction thereof.  Addressee refusing package will result in disqualification.

Beach volleyball--Mothers wearing bikinis will propel a child back & forth over a net.  Extra points will be awarded for "spiking" child.  Points will be deducted for no longer being able to fit into a bikini.

Uneven parallel bars--Officials feel this is inherently unfair & that everything in these events should be even.  They are currently working on ways to include this competition on a  more even basis.

Floor exercise--Mothers will first let toddlers feed themselves spaghetti, then clean floor using only mops, brooms, dustpans and/or the family dog.  Use of long haired dogs is suggested.

Cell phone vault--Mothers will call for help while executing a vault.  Having 911 on speed dial will result in disqualification.

Synchronized whining--(Restricted to mothers of 3 or more children) Mothers must train their children to whine a recognizable musical selection.  Extra points will be awarded for operatic arias.

"I need to be at" medley--Mothers will drive multiple children to classes, play dates & sporting events.  Extra points will be awarded for returning children to starting position.  Forgetting any necessary equipment, snacks, clothing or children will result in disqualification.

Unbalanced beam--Mothers must prepare a fancy meal for guests while executing cartwheels, splits & flips on a 4" wide beam.  Extra points will be awarded for children demanding immediate help with their homework or yelling, "She's looking at me!"  Certificate of Unbalancedment signed by a state certified psychiatrist is required. 

Bubble bath marathon--Mothers must stay in a bubble bath with NO children coming into the bathroom.  Scoring will be based on a combination of time in tub, pruniness of fingers & the amount of wine consumed.  Extra points will be awarded if mother falls asleep.  Points will be deducted for children banging on or yelling through the door. 




Here are some Olympics for the lazy:


Some everyday Olympics:



















I got so much procrastinating done today----fishducky

 



14 comments:

  1. Quite a lot of mothers deserve gold. Each and every day.

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  2. I think the mothers playing volleyball in a bikini is no longer valid, since bikinis come in all sizes now. I like the 100 metre meander, that's for me :)

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    Replies
    1. It should be illegal to manufacture bikinis in larger than a size 20!!

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  3. Although not a mother I have done the cub scout leader crafts and lego jump ha ha.

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  4. I think I might be able to medal in the 100 meter meander.
    Loved the events in the Mom Olympics.

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    Replies
    1. Forgetting why you came into a room would give you a definite advantage!!

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  5. Ha! I like the one about training to "watch" a marathon.

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  6. LOVED the synchronized male swimmers!! Tweeting, texting, naked Olympics, beach vollyball and cow jumping over the moon! So many good ones besides the great mom Olympics--LOL! Have a great weekend, Fran! :)

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  7. Heh, heh. The consecutive bathing...I was afraid it might be with a thumb and mom-spit. Love the cartoon with the toddler dead-lift. My brother-in-law the ex-mayor always called it the "dead dog"--when the kid acts like all his bones have dissolved.

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