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Monday, October 2, 2017

I'M GLAD I'VE NEVER BEEN THE SUBJECT OF A POLICE REPORT




The following are short quotes from actual police reports. They are actual statements either taken directly off of insurance forms or things said directly to the officer taking the report. 

“The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.”

“I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.”

“Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.”

“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”

“I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”

“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”

“I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash.”

“I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.”

“I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”

“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before.

 “I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.”

“In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.”

“I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“When I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

“The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”

“I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”

“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.”

“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.”

“The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.”
funnypolicereport.com

Some more funny police reports & some celebrities
who should have had their makeup crew for their mug shots:




Rip Torn



Bill Cosby



David Cassidy



Mel Gibsom



Phil Spector



Tiger Woods



Randy Travis




Lindsay Lohan


& her mother, Dina


And the very handsome Nick Nolte
who, apparently, doesn't own a comb!!














This last one's for Janie:
 

----fishducky


 





16 comments:

  1. These are hilarious! That guy really went out of his depth to kill that fly...

    I have a couple of relatives who are police officers so I could get some of those reports for my term paper. I wrote about the grammar and language use in these reports. Some were just as funny as these. One report was about a neighbor who was cooking pork chops too loud...

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    1. It's inconsiderate to have your pork chops sizzle too loud if your neighbor has a headache!!

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  2. Five pounds of bacon for a late night snack???? I shudder to think what a full meal is.
    And I am glad that the racoon bit and scratched the guy who used him to evade the interlock system. I hope the bites became infected.

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    1. Good thing he didn't have the raccoon drive!!

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  3. The hop scotch chalk outline really cracked me up.

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  4. OMG!! Jam packed full of hooting laughter! Have a great week, Fran! :)

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    Replies
    1. Ladies don't hoot!! (I guess sometimes they do.)

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  5. These were all great. I kept getting new favorites so I will just say,"All of the above."

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  6. I KNEW Nick Nolte would make your line-up! The Lohans actually look pretty good in those mugshots, compared to now. Poor Randy Travis, if I recall correctly, was found wandering around a parking lot NUDE.

    The Walmart trash can burrito baby should surprise me, but it doesn't. I'm sure it's not the one from the article, but Missouri has a Mountain View. I interviewed there for my first teaching job, and turned down their offer.

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    Replies
    1. It's possible the Lohans get arrested so often they prepare for their mug shots!!

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  7. I'm too tired to laugh, so I'll join Aunty Acid in her pillow fort and have a nap.

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    Replies
    1. Be vewy, vewy quiet, we are hunting wabbits (I mean taking naps)!!

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  8. Those mug shots look better than my driver's license photo :)
    R

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.