Thursday, December 28, 2017


I am Jewish & do not attend a church, although some of these notices tempt me to join one. These are actual church notices, sent out to their congregations.  I can only assume the typists were having an off day.

● The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

● The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 

● Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

● The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. 

● Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

● For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

● Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

● The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' 

● Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

● A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

● At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

● Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

● Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

● The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

● Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow. 

● The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

● This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

● Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 

● The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

● Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. 

● The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

● Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

● Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles. 

● Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 

● This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 

● Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor." 

● This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 

● The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 

● Ushers will eat latecomers. 

● The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 

● The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 

● Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 

● The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 

● Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 

Bless me, Father, for I have sneezed----fishducky



  1. Some gems here.
    I do feel sorry for the Low Self Esteem Group having to use the back door, but am grateful that weren't told to arrive after dark.

    1. You're not in that group, are you?

    2. They should walk in the front door and give themselves a boost.
      Back door. Pfft!

  2. Heh, heh, love the "bowing heads" faux pas!

  3. Ha! I love the cartoon showing why walruses shouldn't bow their heads to pray.

  4. These were delightfully funny. Loved "ends a friendship".

  5. I think number 3 was intentional.

  6. OMG! I laughed so hard through the whole first part that my eyes teared up and I could hardly see the cartoons! ROFL! :)

    1. Always have tissues nearby when readibng my post!!

  7. Love all the "bloopers", particularly "Jesus walks on Water" followed by "Searching for Jesus".
    Guess he shouldn't have tried to walk across the Bermuda Triangle :)

    1. Maybe he just had big feet (but not big enough)!!


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