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Thursday, December 28, 2017

DON'T LET WORRY KILL YOU OFF--LET THE CHURCH HELP



I am Jewish & do not attend a church, although some of these notices tempt me to join one. These are actual church notices, sent out to their congregations.  I can only assume the typists were having an off day.



● The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 

● The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' 

● Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 

● The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. 

● Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 

● For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 

● Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 

● The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.' 

● Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 

● A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 

● At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. 

● Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 

● Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 

● The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. 

● Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow. 

● The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. 

● This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. 

● Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. 

● The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 

● Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door. 

● The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 

● Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 

● Join us tonight for prayers, coffee and fresh beagles. 

● Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 

● This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 

● Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor." 

● This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 

● The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her. 

● Ushers will eat latecomers. 

● The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 

● The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 p.m. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel. 

● Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience." 

● The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." 

● Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. 














Bless me, Father, for I have sneezed----fishducky

 



16 comments:

  1. Some gems here.
    I do feel sorry for the Low Self Esteem Group having to use the back door, but am grateful that weren't told to arrive after dark.

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    1. You're not in that group, are you?

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    2. They should walk in the front door and give themselves a boost.
      Back door. Pfft!

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  2. Heh, heh, love the "bowing heads" faux pas!

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  3. Ha! I love the cartoon showing why walruses shouldn't bow their heads to pray.

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  4. These were delightfully funny. Loved "ends a friendship".

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  5. I think number 3 was intentional.

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  6. OMG! I laughed so hard through the whole first part that my eyes teared up and I could hardly see the cartoons! ROFL! :)

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    1. Always have tissues nearby when readibng my post!!

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  7. Love all the "bloopers", particularly "Jesus walks on Water" followed by "Searching for Jesus".
    Guess he shouldn't have tried to walk across the Bermuda Triangle :)

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    Replies
    1. Maybe he just had big feet (but not big enough)!!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.