First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only when she wants
to and only in the missionary position.
First date: You both get blind drunk & have wild sex.
Second date: You both get blind drunk & have wild sex.
Twentieth anniversary: You both get blind drunk & have wild sex.
First date: Meet her parents
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone else.
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on tequila
& have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend & his three kids move in & you live on rice & beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.
First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image.
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier.
First Date: Mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts,
uncles, friends & entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street
& your balls are fed to the goats.
& your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date!!
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
BET YOU GO BACK AND LOOK!!
This was sent by Susan at I Think, Therefore I Yam--thank you, Susan!!
A US Navy cruiser was anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:
Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please."
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: "Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best & most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander & a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Master’s degree from MIT in fluid technologies &ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, & a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Master’s degree & PhD. in Aeronautical & Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University &he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems & information technology from SMU & he is awaiting notification on his doctoral dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia & his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.”
Upon receiving this letter, Melinda's mother was quite excited & looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (& the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very handsome, smiling Afro-American officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake."
"No, Ma'am," said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."
Why can't we all be like this?