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Thursday, January 26, 2017

HOW TO BECOME RICH






(Reworked from a May, 2013 post.)

Of course, the easiest way to get rich is to be born to rich parents.  If you've already screwed up that part, I have a suggestion.  This should work:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.  The old guy fingered his silk vest & said, "Well, son, it was 1932, in the depth of the Great Depression.  I was literally down to my last nickel.  I invested that nickel in an apple.  I spent the entire day polishing it & at the end of the day, I sold it for ten cents.  With that dime, the next day I bought two apples.  I spent the whole day polishing them & sold them at 5 o'clock for twenty cents.  I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd amassed a fortune of $13.60. Then my wife's father died & left us ten million dollars."

Or you could try this:

One day a multibillionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.  A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've a deal you can't refuse. Who can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, & alligators?  The winner may have whatever his heart desires."  No one replies so the man gives up.  All of a sudden the man hears a splash. One of the men is swimming as fast as he can, dodging all the sharks, eels, and alligators. The billionaire was so impressed that someone had enough guts take up his challenge. He congratulates the man & asks him what he wants. The man replies, "I want the son of a bitch who pushed me in!"

Or you could borrow a whole lot of money & forget to pay it back.

For some other tips on how to retire a millionaire, click here.

"IS IT BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?"

Consider Michael Jordan, having "retired", with $40 million in endorsements.  He makes $178,000 a day, working or not.  If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.  If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $10 or $12, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.  If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while it's boiling.  He makes $7,415 an hour more than the minimum wage.

He'd make $3,710 while watching each episode of "Friends".  If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.  If someone were to hand him his salary & endorsement money in cash, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'd probably pay around $200 for a round of golf at an expensive course, but would be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.  Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a 401k, his contributions would hit the federal cap of $10,500 at 8:45 am on January 1st.  If he gave you a penny for every $10 he made, you'd have an extra $65,000 a year to play around with.

He'd make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics & about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.  While the common person is spending about $20-$30 for a meal at Jordan's trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5,600.  This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all the past presidents for all of their terms--combined!  Amazing, isn't it?

However--if he saved 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'd still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment!

Game over.  Nerd wins.
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OK, you have to admit I tried.  If that doesn't work for you, either, all I have left are some jokes & quotes:

Doctor to a rich man: Do you want a local anesthesia? 
Rich man: I would prefer an imported one. 

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here!" The wife replied, "Sweetheart, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here."

The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

Bill Gates is so rich, he's afraid to do his banking in person for fear that their employees will stick him up.

After years of scrimping & saving, a husband told his wife the good news. "Honey, we've finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1989."  "You mean a brand new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.  "No," said the husband, " a 1989 Cadillac!"

What's 6 inches long & 2 inches wide & drives women wild?
Money.

"Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be!"--Rita Rudner
















It may actually be better to be poor than rich.  Rich people worry that they might someday become poor.  Poor people NEVER worry about becoming rich----fishducky