Wednesday, February 22, 2017


To read my first story,  click here.

(For those of you who don't know what a "Tom Swiftie" is, a definition: A play on words consisting of a made-up quotation combined with a punning adverb.)

Some brothers who were acquaintances of Tom wanted him to invest in their bar/restaurant.  He went there & first he checked out the men’s room & then went to the bar.  “Pardon my flatulence,” Tom told the bartender, astutely.  He asked the Joe the bartender, peevishly, “Who left the toilet seat down?”  “The drains are clogged.  You’ll have to unclog them with a vacuum cleaner,” Tom told him succinctly. Joe asked Tom if he wanted a drink.  “I’ll have a martini,” Tom said dryly. “I’m hungry; do you have any hot dogs?  I love hot dogs,” Tom asked with relish.  The bartender told him no, but they had some shrimp & lobster.  “OK, give me some shellfish,” Tom said crabbily.  Joe gave him some shrimp & tartar sauce.  “This dipping stuff is terrible,” Tom said saucily.  "It has too much vinegar," said Tom acidly.

His prospective partners came in.  “We’re here,” they said presently.  “A spirit transported me from the bar to where you were standing,” said Tom, visibly moved.  “Do have a jacket I could borrow?  It’s freezing in here,” Tom said icily.  The brothers asked him if he was sure he could afford to invest in the business.  “Sure, I stole some gold,” he answered, giltily.  “I once made a fortune canning pineapples, but I lost it,” he told them dolefully.  “And one time, I struck oil,” he gushed.  “ I taught at a university,” Tom professed.  “I used to have my own jet,” he leered. "I'm hoping to make my investment back, & then some," Tom said with interest.  “Do you write fairy tales, as well?” asked the brothers, grimly.

"Well, you certainly took the wind out of my sails!" said Tom disgustedly. “I really need this investment.  I’ve had a lot of physical problems lately.  I can hardly hear any more,” he said deftly.  “I used to be a pilot,” he explained, “but I broke my feet so badly they had to amputate them,” Tom said defeatedly.  “And I almost drowned in Egypt,” he said, deep in denial. “The doctors had to remove my left ventricle,” Tom said halfheartedly.  “I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.  “I invested in a hi-tech startup,” Tom ventured, “so I should have enough money for this deal.”

“You’re just blowing hot air,” said the brothers fanatically.  “Did you buy & sell stolen goods, too?” they asked offensively.  “Do you still expect us to partner with you?”

"Bingo!!" Tom answered winningly.

"We're not that dumb.  The exit is that way, " they pointed out.

“Your flies are open!!” was Tom’s zippy rejoinder.

And some non-Swiftie cartoons:

"I'm all out of yarn," I said, knitting my brow----fishducky