(Sorry for the different sized type; my computer sometimes has a mind of its own.)
You aren’t actually afraid of being left alone in your house, or in a creepy forest. You’re afraid that you aren’t alone.
Only mortals say that it would suck to live forever.
Sleeping in is considered lazy, but going to bed early is not.
Your car keys have traveled further than your car.
You drive safer when there’s food on your passenger seat than when there’s a person sitting there.
If keyboards came with braille on them, we all could have subconsciously learned braille by now.
“Where are you?" is probably the least used phrase in sign language.
The Star Wars films are set mainly in outer space yet they’ve never once shown a zero gravity scene.
An ‘unlimited minutes per month’ phone plan really only gives you 44,640 minutes per month at best.
We’re not thankful enough that the whole world agreed on the same units of time.
Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume.
When your dog keeps bringing you the same toy, is that because it’s your dog’s favorite toy, or because your dog thinks it’s your favorite toy?
If Google Maps added 5 minutes to every time estimate on directions millions of people would be on time for things.
By the end of this century people will start looking up their ancestors on Facebook.
Tamagotchis have been replaced with FitBit. Now we are the thing that needs to be walked.
Male zombies should be naked from the waist down. All of that weight lost to dehydration and rot would cause their trousers to fall down.
The object of golf is to play the least amount of golf.
Of all the bodily functions that could be contagious, thank God it’s the yawn.
Killing a spider probably makes the spider genetic pool sneakier and more deadly.
The only time the word "incorrectly" isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
The sinking of the Titanic must have been a miracle to the lobsters in the kitchen.
to get rich by playing the lottery is like trying to commit suicide by flying
on commercial airlines.
someone else makes you laugh in your dream, your brain came up with that joke.
Of course you think it’s funny.
word "FAT" looks like someone has taken a bite out of the word
the planets in Star Wars have the exact same gravitational
people on opposite sides of the earth drop a piece of bread the earth briefly
becomes a sandwich.
We will never hear about the truly perfect crime.
How about some random cartoons: