Follow

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

ERMA BOMBECK SAID LOST SOCKS GO TO LIVE WITH JESUS, BUT WHERE DO MY LEFTOVERS GO?








I used to write things & draw pictures on leftover containers from restaurants.  This was so I would be able to eat my own food the next day.  When the kids were still at home I would write various things on the box so they would leave it alone.  Some examples: “Keep out”, “Don’t touch” or “This is Mom’s”.  These did no good.  I graduated to “Poison” (with the appropriate skull & crossbones), “Danger—Live Snakes” & even “Caution—Radioactive Materials”!!  None of these worked either.  Now that all the kids are married & gone, I just put an “X” on the box to remind my husband not to eat it.  About nine eight seven times out of ten, he’ll leave it for me.


My husband & I were making our first trip to Europe.  We had been with our friends Earl & Flavia (who then  lived in Paris with their bobcat, Roberta) & we went on to London.  We decided to invite them to come over to London & go to a stage show & dinner as a “thank you”.  We saw “Jesus Christ, Superstar”, which had just opened.  After dinner Flavia asked the maitre d' for a doggy bag for her leftovers. He said, "Oh, you have a dog?"  She told him no, that she had a cat. "Moi, aussi," (So do I) he said, "What kind?"  She said that she actually had a bobcat. "Sacre bleu!!  Moi, aussi!!" he said excitedly & they whipped out pictures--proud parents that they were!!
--------------------------------------------
“Oh, no! Not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the leftover meatloaf on the table from last night’s supper. “Young lady” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people would love to have a delicious supper like this?! You should be ashamed of yourself! Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking the Lord for this delicious meal!” “Thank you Lord for this delicious supper”, muttered my sister submissively “….again!”
-------------------------------------------
"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before." —Rita Rudner
--------------------------------------------
Got anything to eat, lady?” asked the tramp. “Do you mind eating last week’s leftovers?” “Not at all.” “Good. Come back next week, then.”
-------------------------------------------
New bride: I trained our dog not to beg at the table.
Friend: How did you do that?
New bride: I let him taste my cooking.



Some recipes for beginning cooks:

TAP WATER

Nutrition

SERVINGS

  • Ingredients
  • 1cup water
  • 1teaspoon water
  • Directions
  1. Place glass under tap.
  2. Turn tap on.
  3. Fill glass with water almost to top.
  4. Turn tap off.
  5. Top up glass with additional teaspoons of water until full.
  6. Use paper towel to mop up any spillage.
  7. Enjoy!

BOILING WATER

1.   Open your cupboard or wherever it is you store your cookware.

2.   Locate a 12-quart stockpot. If you do not have a 12-quart stockpot, you may use whatever size pot you have; in that event, keep in mind that serving size here is 1 cup and there are 4 cups in a quart. Do the math.

3.   Place your pot in the sink under the tap. If you have never used a sink before, it is the large depression in your counter top. (If you live with someone else, they may have filled it with dirty dishes; in this case, wash them or simply remove them from the sink and place them in the oven — someone else will eventually discover them there and wash them.).

4.  Turn the cold-water knob to the "on" position. Some people (like my dad) prefer to let the water run a little bit. This is optional but encouraged — if it's a hot day or someone has previously used the "hot" water knob, the warmer water will eventually be replaced by truly cold water.

5.   Fill stockpot to within a couple inches of the rim.

6.   Lift stockpot from sink and transfer to stove. (Although appearances may vary, the stove is the thing with 4 or more circular metal bands on top of it; alternately, it may be a completely flat black glass surface. If you are unsure, ask your family, roommate, or neighbor for guidance.).

7.   Find knob on stove that corresponds to the "burner" you have placed your pot on. In addition to words like "Right Front" or "Left Rear," there are usually little pictures near the knobs to indicate position.

8.   Turn knob to "High" and wait until water boils. Depending on strength of your stove and amount of water, the boiling time may vary. Note: DO NOT WATCH THE POT; it will never boil in the event that you do.



If you feel a little more ambitious, you might want to try this:


BAKED CAMEL


Ingredients
  • large camel
  • large sheep
  • large turkeys
  • 20 large carp
  • 200  medium seagull eggs
  • 400  large dates
  • banana leaf, as needed

1.   Cook the eggs, peel them.
2.   Scale the carps.
3.   Fill the carps with the dates and the eggs. Fill the turkeys with the carps.
4.   Fill the sheep with the turkeys.
5.   Fill the camel with the sheep.
6.   Dig a large pit.
7.   Place about 500 kilos of charcoal in the pit and light them.
8.   Wrap the camel in the banana-leafs and place in the pit.
9.   Cover with earth and bake for two days
10.                Serve with rice.
food.com


We must be very careful not to use food that is old.  Below is a table that will help you:

FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE

THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.
WINE
It should not taste like salad dressing.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

     gumbopages.com




















The best way to serve leftovers is to someone else----fishducky