Wednesday, May 10, 2017


I know it's true; I read it in the paper!!

In a forest, long ago, there lived a girl known as Red Riding Hood.  She was given a different name when she was born, but her birth certificate had been destroyed in a forest fire and nobody could remember what it was.  People called her Little Red Riding Hood because they didn't have too much imagination and her mother made all her clothes out of a bolt of red cloth that she had bought on sale years ago.  Her friends called her “Red”, so we will, too.

Red’s grandmother lived in a cottage nearby and every day Red’s mother sent the little girl over with a basket of supplies for the day.  She would bring her fruit and veggies, fresh bread and a bowl of soup or stew that Red’s mother had cooked the night before.  She’d also bring the morning paper, a few marijuana cigarettes and an occasional jar of dental cream; whatever Grandma needed.  Grandma would email her a list every morning.

This went on without change for quite a while.  Red was surprised when, one day, the email said, “Hi, Red.  All I need today is a few boxes of Froot Loops, some weed and a couple of quarts of milk. TTYL. G.”  She put on a pair of red pants and a red hoodie (it was chilly that morning) and went to Grandma’s house.  When she got there, she knocked on the door and a raspy voice asked, “Who is it?”  It’s Red,” she replied, “I have your stuff.”  “Just put it in the kitchen, dear,” said the voice, “I just ran a bubble bath and it feels so good I’m going to soak in here for a long time.”  Red put the Froot Loops and the weed on the kitchen counter and the milk in the refrigerator and went home.

For many days after that the email had the same message, “Just Froot Loops, grass and some milk again. G.”.  When Red arrived at the cottage, a voice from behind the door said that Grandma was in the tub or on the phone or that there was some other reason that she couldn’t see her then and to please just put the groceries away.   She was getting worried.  A diet of only cereal and milk couldn’t be good for her aging grandmother and she’d be running out of denture cream soon, too.

The next day she got to Grandma’s two hours earlier than usual, when she knew the old lady would still be in bed.  She got the spare key out from under the mat and let herself in.  There was a small figure in the bed, completely covered by the quilt.  Red said, “Hi, Grandma” and a raspy voice said, “Hello.”  Red said, “What a deep voice you have, Grandma,” and the answer came back, “I've been smoking a joint.”  Red saw her eyes and said, “What little beady eyes you have, Grandma.”  She heard, “That's from the damn joint.”  Then she saw her nose and said, “What a big nose you have, Grandma.  It looks like you’re a bird!” and she pulled the quilt completely off.

It wasn’t her grandmother in the bed at all; it was a toucan!!  He said, “You got me, kid!!  I’m Sam T. Toucan (the T. is for “the”) and I just love Froot Loops!!  Your grandmother moved to an assisted living home in the forest next door last week and rented me this place.  She's an old broad and I guess her memory’s slipping and she forgot to tell you.  She told me how you brought her a care package every day and I figured it was my chance to get all the Froot Loops and marijuana I wanted, for free.  I guess that was a bad move.  What do I owe you for the stuff?”  “Nothing,” she said, “I’m just relieved that Grandma’s all right.”  

Sam told her that he had a bolt of blue cloth that he had no use for and that he would like her to accept it in exchange for everything she had brought him.  She readily agreed.  He gave her the name and address of Grandma’s assisted living home and Red visited her three times a week.  When she did, I’m happy to say, she was always dressed in a lovely blue outfit.

Reading my blog is like rocking in a rocking chair; sure, it gives you something to do, but in the end you never get anywhere----fishducky