Tuesday, May 23, 2017


...then we might have seen these tweets:

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Me: I know you from somewhere.
Jesus: I get that a lot.
Me: No, I'm sure.
Jesus: Just one of those faces.
Me: (holding arms out) Go like this

[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
"Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"

God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants... tiny... got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.

I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."

Jesus:"Table for 26 please"
Waiter: "But there are 13 of you"
Jesus: "Yes but we're all going to sit on the same side"

[god creating snakes]
How about a sock that's angry all the time?

god: u gotta build a boat
noah: can't u build ur own boat.. i mean, ur god
god: [nervously] no i can i just wanna see if u know how

*knock on door*
“Sir have you found Jesus?”
Uh, no. Goodbye.
*shuts door*
*Jesus steps out from behind door with gun*
Good answer

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.

Lunch 12:15  I love this bible verse, it always helps me in times of need

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: "they were horrible dad, please im not going back there"
god: [rubbing his neck] "see the thing is…"

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don't tell you how to do your job.

When threatened, the Pope can spray holy venom up to 25 ft.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password?
God: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
Me: *[Types in]

[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal

*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u know how long this took?


This article about business opportunities in biblical times was sent to me by Susan at I Think; therefore, I yam:  

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe. 
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor. 

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit! 

He asked how much he owed. 

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge! 

However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! 
Would you consider a partnership?" 

"Certainly," replied Jesus. 

"Jesus & Finkelstein it is." 

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein. 

"Finkelstein & Jesus.. After all, I am the craftsman." 

The two of them debated this for some time. 

Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful --
and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. 
A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop: 


Have you read this yet?
It's on sale today!!