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Tuesday, June 6, 2017

SOME THINGS ARE PRIVATE



Many years ago, before the advent of cell phones, I had a problem in my female area.  I itched like crazy!!  I know what to do for a minor vaginal itch; scratch!!  That didn't stop it so I went to the gynecologist & he/she (I don't remember which) took some tests.  I was told to call back the next day for the results.  The next day I was on the golf course so I called them from an outdoor pay phone, surrounded by a crowd of loud talking people.  Whoever took my call asked me what my problem had been & they had trouble hearing me, so they kept asking me to speak louder.  I guess I was supposed to yell in a crowd of strangers, "I'M CALLING ABOUT MY BAD VAGINAL ITCH!!"  If I remember correctly, what I did yell was, "I'LL CALL YOU BACK LATER!!"

An answering machine might have been better.

Steven, my internist, is a friend of mine.. He used to be in a medical group with five or six other doctors, all of whom I knew personally.  He found some sort of problem with one of my breasts.  I think he found a lump so he marked the spot with ink.  He asked me if it was OK if his associate checked it & I told him it was.  One at a time, they all came in & we had a nice visit.  At least, it was probably nice for them.  For me, sitting there with no bra or blouse on, not so much.  So many people came in I expected a painter or handyman to be next!!




In the days of house calls (you can ask your grandparents what they were) I had the flu so I called Steve.  He came over, checked me out & said I needed a shot.  I was in bed in my pajamas, & I asked him where so I could either roll up a sleeve or slide down the bottoms.  His answer was, "I can give it to you in the arm or in the butt, but it's better in the butt.  Tell you what, I'll give it to you in the butt but I won't look."  I told him to look, just not to remember!! 

The first time I ever broke a toe, my husband & I were playing cards at my brother & sister-in-law’s house on a Sunday evening.  My brother-in-law was a veterinarian.  We decided that he would bandage my foot & I would see my doctor Monday, instead of bothering him on the weekend.  Apparently, my brother-in-law used a LOT of bandage to wrap it, because when I went to Steve the next day he asked, “Who the hell bandaged your foot?  It looks like a hoof!”  I said, “Funny you should mention that.  My veterinarian did it.”

I had a mastectomy a couple of years ago.  That didn’t bother me too much except that after I finally got my arm back in working order, I fell & broke it.  It finally works perfectly again, but for quite a while I couldn’t pull up my own underwear.  My son, my husband & I were talking about online dating.  I said I should put my name out there with the description, "Old broad who can't pull up her own underwear."  Blake thought that should get me several hits!!

I once bought an embroidered pillow for a friend.  Maybe I should have gotten one for myself, too.  It shows a cow lying on her back with her udder hanging to one side.  It says, with the letters dragging down, towards the bottom corner, “No, really--I’m f   i    n     e….”


Sort of like this:















The doctor said I've got this little piece of brain lodged in my skull, but when they get it out, I'll be fine----fishducky