This photo of a hairy swimsuit
was stolen borrowed taken from
peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com
Not retired yet?
This is for you:
Do you believe in karma?
Read these clips from cracked.com:
Stop Sign Thief Killed in Car Accident
Tyller A. Myers was just that guy. He
stole stop signs in his spare time, because he was a 19-year-old with a Ford F-150;it was practically in
his Dipshit Teenager contract. But Tyller's theft went beyond that standard
pubescent rebel flag: The stop sign hung defiantly on his bedroom wall. Myers
was a serial thief: Turns out a lot of stop signs were going missing in
Norwalk, Ohio, which can obviously cause some potentially deadly traffic
problems.
Then one night, presumably while out Robin Hood-ing some stop
signs, stealing from those who had too much traffic control to give to those
poor saps with no road signs at all, Myers ran an inexplicably unstolen stop
sign. When he drove onto the highway after blowing straight through the
intersection, he was hit by a semi and later pronounced dead on the scene.
I'm not one to celebrate anybody's death, and I'm not saying he deserved it, but the irony just lines up so perfectly. It's like God was playing a cosmic
game of irony pool, and Myers was the friggin' 8 Ball.
When a Vengeful God Misfires
In
2008, right-wing evangelicals tried to keep the democrats out of the White
House by turning God into a meteorological republican superweapon. The prophet behind
Operation Weapons of Mass Destruction was Stuart Shepard of
Focus on the Family. Stuart sent this video to his followers, urging that
they pray for "biblical," "torrential," "I'm talking
'umbrella-ain't-going-to-help-you rain'" to fall on then-Senator Barack
Obama during his acceptance speech on the last night of the 2008 Democratic
National Convention.
So, how did Shepard's
prayer-powered weather machine work? Let's put it this way ...
You see that floating nightmare drifting toward Houston like
something out of Independence
Day? That's Hurricane Gustav, and it was set to rock the faces off
the National Convention like a meteorological Bon Jovi.
... the Republican National Convention, that is.
Gustav hit so hard the republicans had to shaft most of their
speakers for the first night, including Vice President Dick Cheney and
President George W. Bush. The democrats, meanwhile, enjoyed such perfectly clear skies that you can't help but imagine
God pulled the whole thing off just to tell republicans not to call him during
dinner. It didn't last forever, though, since a thunderstorm warning forced
President Obama indoors for his 2012 DNC speech four years later. But that was
like getting shifted from first class to business compared to the second goddamn hurricane, which hit the 2012 RNC in Tampa,
forcing republicans to reschedule and eventually cancel the first night of
their second consecutive godforsaken ceremony. Jeez, God really doesn't take
orders well, does he?
Suicide Bomber Gets a Spam Text
On New
Year's Eve in Russia, the Red Square gets absolutely packed full of drunks,
much like Times Square or your mom on a singles cruise. This, of course, makes
it a prime target for terrorists who enjoy nothing more than blowing huge
crowds -- oh sorry, that's
your mom again.
The terrorists' plan was fairly simple: A woman with an explosive-laden
belt was to join the
Red Square crowd for their New Year's celebration, where she would ring in 2011
by murdering thousands of innocent civilians. It is probably worth noting, in
case common sense didn't already tip you off, that terrorists generally don't
use their best and brightest as suicide bombers.
If they did, then maybe the amazing exploding woman would have
thought to turn off her phone, which was also acting as the bomb's detonator,
until it was time to go. But maybe she was hoping to pass the time until her
own violent death with a few games of Angry
Birds, because she left that phone, and therefore the bomb, fully activated all day.
Because irony likes a good party as much as the rest of us, the woman's phone received a
"Happy New Year" spam text from her service provider, several hours
before the attack was scheduled. The final body count of the New
Year's Eve bomb plot? One lone suicide bomber sleeping it off in Hell.
How about some funny videos?
To see how it would be if animals were round, click here.
To hear Bob Nelson introduce a new football lineup, click here.
Here's Rodney at his best:
And the very funny Foster Brooks
(who was actually a teetotaler):
