Catholic DogMuldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
'It is!'Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?DonationFather O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!
'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'
ConfessionAn elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .. . . . I'm telling everybody!!'
SenilityAn elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
(Thank you, Shirley, for the above jokes!!)
And Aging:
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,”
she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker
commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?
I’ve still got it, but nobody
wants to see it.
I’m
getting into swing dancing. Not on
purpose. Some parts of my body are just
prone to swinging.
It’s scary when you start
making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
The
good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
These days about half the
stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
I’ve
tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made
one called “Buns of Putty.”
Don’t
think of it as getting hot flashes. Think
of it as your inner child playing with matches.
(patheos.com)
And my all time favorite joke;
Poachers in Africa opened a restaurant. Their come-on was: “We make sandwiches from
any African animal! If we can’t make
your sandwich, we’ll pay you $10,000.00!!”
Business was booming for months.
They sold sandwiches made of ground zebra, lion pot roast, leg of hippo,
etc. One day the waiter tries to place
an order with the cook. Together, they
sadly go to the manager & tell him that he’s going to have to pay the
$10,000.00. He asks why & they tell
him that a customer just ordered an elephant ball sandwich on rye. He tells them that’s no problem--a new
shipment of elephant balls just came in.
The cook says, “I know that!! The
problem is, we’re out of rye bread!!”