A PLETHORA OF PAINSTAKINGLY PICKED PRIME (OR POSSIBLY/PROBABLY POOR) PUNS PRESENTED FOR YOUR PERUSAL

Some of you react to puns like this.

And some of you like this.

But your kids like them!!

Jokes about unemployed people are not funny. They just don't work.

If a wild pig kills you, does it mean you’ve been boared to death?

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.

Toilet paper plays an important role in my life.

Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I.

Would you like to hear a construction joke?

You'll have to wait, I’m still working on it.

A patient sobs to his doctor: “I feel like a pair of curtains."

Doctor: “Well pull yourself together, man!!”

How to embarrass an archaeologist? You give him a used tampon and ask him to determine which period it came from.

I heard about a scarecrow that won a prize. It was totally outstanding in its field.

Have you heard about the fire in the shoe factory? Hundreds of soles were lost!!

So, you’re not afraid of ghost puns? That’s the spirit!!

How to seduce a large woman? Piece of cake!! (Also, easy as pie!!)

I once worked in a bank, but then I lost interest.

What to say to a hitch-hiker with just one leg?
Hop in.

What lies on the ocean bed, twitching uncontrollably? A nervous wreck.

I wonder how letters ever get to the recipient. The envelopes, after all, are stationery.

Velcro is just a big rip-off.

I wanted to tell you a joke about leeches. But I won’t – they all suck.

I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.

The future, the present, and the past walk into a shady bar. Things get tense.

When I was young, I used to think facial hair looked really stupid, but then it grew on me.

I wonder there aren’t more cemeteries around. People are dying to get there.

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!!

What do you get when you crossbreed fish with elephants? 
Swimming trunks.

The mohel really messed up that circumcision. It was a total rip-off.

A man sued an airline company after it couldn’t find his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.

http://www.short-funny.com/best-puns-2.php#ixzz4Varqdb5N

Here are some more.  I don't remember where I found these:

I used to be afraid of purchasing residential property for the purpose of renting, but now I have an apartment complex.

I've failed the math test so many times, I lost count. 

Deafness is getting to be quite a problem for me lately. I never thought I'd hear myself say that.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

I don't know what possessed me to attend that seance.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care center where a two-year-old was resisting a rest.

A "punny" joke for you:

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul, a banker, says to Morty, "Listen, Morty, I should probably tell you, I don't swim so well."

Morty, who worked as a lifeguard when he was younger, begins tugging and pulling on Saul, helping him float towards shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks, "Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul looks at Morty and then replies, "This is a heck of a time to be asking for money!!"

Were I to be punish-ed,

For every puny pun I shed,

I would not have a puny shed
In which to place my punnish head.----Stolen from some place I can't remember & adapted by fishducky