(Most of these have probably been in my posts at one time or another. They're still funny!!)
First, my husband:
When our daughter & son-in-law got married I gave a toast to the newlyweds saying that I hoped they would be as happy in their marriage as my husband was in ours. That got a big laugh, but my husband got an even bigger laugh when he made his toast. He said. "May you be as happy in your marriage as my wife thinks I am in ours!!"
He used to talk in his sleep. This can often be the cause of problems. For instance, there was the night I was awakened by him talking loudly “on the phone”. He said--& this is a direct quote, “He’s got as much chance of doing that as I have of screwing Elizabeth!!” I took a deep breath. He continued his “conversation”, “That is the name of the present queen of England, isn’t it?” I remember another classic. When I got into bed, he was sound asleep. He put his arms around me & drew me close, cuddling me. He murmured, “Take a letter…..”
And his father:
This happened shortly before Phil gave up his driver’s license. He was on a major street which fortunately had very light traffic at the time. He had apparently been weaving & was stopped at a red light, I assume taking up a lane & a half, when a car full of young men pulled up alongside him. The driver politely asked him, “Excuse me, sir, but could you please tell me what street this is?” Phil answered, “Olympic Boulevard.” The other driver thanked him & asked, “Would you mind sharing it with us?”
Our kids (First, Nameless):
No subject was ever off limits at our dinner table. Once Nameless asked what a homosexual was. We weren’t sure how to explain this to an 8 year old. We told her that while most men love women, there were some men who loved other men. We said this was the way God made them & it was fine. We asked her if she understood & she said, “Yeah—you mean like a lesbian, only a man!!”
Matt hated to take showers when he was young. He would often turn on the shower & sit in the bathroom for a while & then come out bone dry & just as dirty as when he went in. Once, I made sure he actually got in the shower, which must have made him angry, because when I went into the bathroom to straighten up I found he had written the “F” word on the steamed up mirror. He tried to, anyway. He had put an “e” on the end. FUCKE. It looked like Shakespeare was swearing. My problem, as a loving & helpful mother, was to decide which was more important--telling him not to use that kind of language or correcting his spelling?
When he was about 10, a friend of ours had to have part of his colon removed. Matt (our comedian in training) asked if that meant he would be left with a semicolon.
When our youngest, Blake, was about two the kids were having lunch & I was at the sink, with my back to them. Blake knocked over his glass & spilled his milk. I wiped it up & poured him some more. He knocked over his glass again, & again I wiped it up & poured him more. I warned him not to do it again or he would be sorry. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as he deliberately knocked it over one more time. I picked up the gallon milk bottle (which had probably a quart or so left in it) & emptied it on his head!! Childish, I know, but it made a beautiful waterfall--or, I guess, a milkfall. He didn’t even cry; he just sat there with his little mouth hanging open in amazement as the milk cascaded over his head.
Our friend, Larry:
(Ed. note: Larry was well over 6' tall, black as the proverbial ace of spades & could be very menacing looking.) He was rear-ended while driving on the freeway (no physical damage to either of the drivers) & got out to speak to the man who ran into him. The man was Latino & whenever Larry asked him a question he replied, “Lo siento. No hablo ingles.” (“I’m sorry. I don’t speak English.”) Larry went back to his car, opened the glove compartment & took out the nightstick he carried on his job as a night watchman. He was walking back, slapping the nightstick against his palm, when the other gentleman suddenly remembered he could speak English, after all!! He looked at Larry & said, “Hey, man, we can work this all out!!”
Another friend, Al:
Al was very outgoing & quite loud. He told us about a time he was on vacation with his wife, I think in New York. They were at a luxury hotel, checking in. (This was before Women’s Lib.) He thought his wife was being too pushy while she was talking to the desk clerk. He loosened his belt & dropped his pants, right in the lobby. He asked her loudly, “You want to wear the pants in this family? HERE THEY ARE!!”
And last but not least, my gynecologist:
I was at my OB/GYN's office for a checkup & he couldn't stop laughing. Not at me--it seems the patient just before me was Rita Wilson, an actress & singer & the wife of Tom Hanks. When he went into the operatory to examine her, he found her on the table with her feet in the stirrups. Normal? Not exactly--she was completely naked except for a Stetson & cowboy boots. (I guess she figured as long as she was in the stirrups...)