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Wednesday, January 31, 2018

PROFESSOR FISHDUCKY, PHD*--THE WORLD”S FOREMOST AUTHORITY



(reworked from a 2012 post.)


(with apologies to Irwin Corey)



This is from Wikipedia: "Professor" Irwin Corey (born July 29, 1914) is an American comic, film actor and activist, often billed as "The World's Foremost Authority".  He introduced his unscripted, improvisational style of stand-up comedy at the well-known San Francisco club, the hungry i.  I agree with everything he says--& sometimes that scares me!!
                                       

Some of you geezers & geezerettes will remember the comedienne, Totie Fields, who died in 1978.  She was pretty hefty, as you’ll see in the video below.  She always wore beautiful gowns, but never in black.  She said she tried wearing black once & it didn’t make her look thin.  One day she came onstage wearing a gorgeous dress & the women went wild.  She told them it was a size 3.  Everyone laughed.  She said she paid $5,000 for it (in the 70’s) & at that price, it‘d better be a size 3!  She & her husband, Georgie, had a wonderful marriage.  She said that she told Georgie when they got married that she could only excel in one room; either the kitchen or the bedroom.  They hired a cook.  Later in her life, she lost a breast to cancer & a leg to diabetes.  She asked her husband why he stayed with her.  He gave the best possible answer I can think of.  He said, “I didn’t marry you for parts!!  This is her, in a dress that was very stylish at that time:
                           

I was trying to describe a dish I had eaten at a Parisian restaurant to my sister-in-law.  It was the best thing I had ever eaten!  I asked, “Nat, have you ever had an orgasm over food?”  Her response was, “Is there any other way?”

John, our bank manager, who is a good friend, once called me from work & asked me how well I knew our gardener.  I thought that was a rather personal question & asked him why he wanted to know.  It seems I had signed his check simply “Fran”.  I told him to go ahead & cash it.  John was very convenient to have as a friend.  We were about to leave on a European vacation (before credit cards) & had forgotten to get Traveler’s Checks.  We called him before leaving for the airport & he drove to our house & issued them while sitting on our couch.  He worked for Bank of America, so our kids used to call him “Mr. America”.
Bud was in a different B of A branch & wanted to cash a very large check.  They told him they would have to get an OK from our branch manager. Bud said that they could call, but John would say to give him anything he wants. The bank officer stepped away so she could make the call without Bud overhearing her.  He could see her starting to laugh.  She returned & said John told her, “Give him anything he wants!"
We had a fire in our kitchen.  The previous owner, herself on in years, had her father living with her.  She wanted a shiny floor & didn’t want her dad slipping on wax, so she laid down a coat of lacquer.  My cleaning woman, Pearline, was removing it, a little each week, with nail polish remover, which we bought by the gallon at a beauty supply.  When she got to the back porch the fumes were ignited by the dryer.  I grabbed a kid under each arm (we only had 2 at that time) & Pearline, the kids & I ran next door.  My neighbors called the fire department & I called Bud at his office & very calmly--I thought--explained what was happening. Bud says my entire conversation was, “The house is on fire!  We’re next door--we’re all fine!!”  He turned to my brother-in-law, who was in his office at the time & said, “I think I’d better go home.”  My neighbor ran to our house, got the hose from the backyard & stood in the dining room, playing the water into the kitchen.  He had a view of the front door & said he couldn’t believe what he saw.  He (& I) had always pictured firemen as rushing into the burning building, swinging their axes. He told me that he was yelling, “IN HERE!!  IN HERE!!’ while each fireman stopped to wipe his feet on the doormat.

Another fireman story: The granddaughter of one of my friends is married to a fireman.  She loaded their new baby in the car & went to join her sisters at a restaurant for their first post-birth lunch.  While getting the baby out of the car seat, she cut her hand on something--not badly, but it was bleeding & wouldn’t stop.  She asked their waitress for a Band-Aid.  She was told they didn’t have any, so she asked to see the manager.  The manager repeated (with a very customer-unfriendly attitude) that they didn’t have Band-Aids.  Her husband had told her that restaurants are required to have them for their employees.  She told that to the manager, who just walked away.  She called her husband at the fire station & he said not to worry--he’d take care of it.  A couple of minutes later, a fire truck pulled up to the restaurant & four fully uniformed firemen came rushing in.  Her husband (one of the four) shouted, “I understand someone here needs a Band-Aid!!!”  As I said about our bank manager, it helps to know the right people!!



















*PHD--Pretty Humorous (fish)Ducky




Tuesday, January 30, 2018

ALL ABOARD!! THE BUS TO DECREPITVILLE IS LEAVING IN 5 MINUTES!!


sorry this is late.  i forgot to hit publish.


(reworked from a November, 2015 post.)

On my way to Decrepitville,  I've had to pass through some unpleasant places like Boy, It's Hot In Here Town & the overly populated Where Are My Glasses City.  I finished with the change of life long ago (although I'm not sure I like what I've changed into) & had cataract surgery so I can now read the eye chart at the DMV.  I guess because my ears are as old as the rest of me, I now find myself in a land where everybodytalkslikethis!  I don't have trouble with hearing it but I have a problem separating the words.  I'm able to get enough of the words to determine it's some form of English.  Something like this:


I feel like Jeremy's mom:



I'd rather be here than in Decrepitville:


How your kids see you:

And some more cartoons about geezers those of us of a certain age:










~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a different subject (Hey--I am fishducky!!  You expected it, right?):

I'm tired of the old boring outgoing message on our answering machine.  I've got my new choices narrowed down to two.  Which one do you prefer?

"Hello, I'm fishducky's answering machine.  What are you?"

Or

"Hello, you've reached fishducky.  I have ESP.  I know who you are & what you want, so at the sound of the beep, please hang up."

On an even different(er) subject, my cousin Arlene is my hero.  She was out to dinner with her husband & another couple.  When the waiter brought the dessert tray to their table, she & her friend just looked at each other & Arlene asked, "Shall we?"  Her friend said, "Yes!"  They had one of everything on the tray!  Sort of like this, only they shared:







There are so many subjects out there, how can I be expected to stay on just one?----fishducky

 



Monday, January 29, 2018

BABIES OF THE WORLD, ARISE!!







(reworked from an august, 2015 post.)


Hello, my name is Quinn, and I'm a nine months old genius. This is powerful advice for all you babies out there. Parents, please leave now, or you will be punished. Okay, now that the minions are gone, let's get down to business. 


Do you feel like you have no control over your life? Do your mommy and daddy make you do and wear things you absolutely hate? Are you at the bottom of your family's power structure? I'm here to tell you that all this can be a thing of the past. By following my ten simple rules, you'll be wearing the diaper and the pants in the family in no time! 



Rule #1 



You have absolute power. 



Repeat this to yourself on a daily basis. You are the ruler of your universe. Your parents are there to serve you, not the other way around. You have unlimited power over them. 



Rule #2 



Cry. 



Tears are your biggest asset in your arsenal against your parents. If you don't like something, cry! Parents have absolutely no defense against this wet onslaught. They will do anything to get you to stop. This is especially useful in public places. For maximum effectiveness, increase volume every fifteen seconds. 



Rule #3 



Be cute. 



This is your number one defense mechanism. You're going to pull a lot of crap most people would never get away with, and your cute factor is the only thing allowing this. Flash a smile, and your parents will go weak in the knees with gushing admiration of your blessed existence, even after you've just broken half the stuff in the house. 



Rule #4 



Keep them weak. 



I don't care if you have to set an alarm clock for yourself, but you need to wake your parents up at least three times a night. A rested parent is a strong parent, and that means bad news for you. The more weary they are, the more malleable to your intricate plans of global domination. 



Rule #5 



Pee on them. 



Once out of every ten diaper changes, you should let loose your golden stream of glory. This shows them who's boss, and keeps them on their toes. If you can, aim for the face for maximum effectiveness. At the very least, you should be able to cover yourself as well as a portion of your parent's clothes. This works well for those situations where they've put you in an embarrassing outfit, or they're in a hurry to get somewhere 



Rule #6 



Make them carry you. 



Do not let them put you down! This is very important. The moment they realize you can get around by yourself, they will no longer want to carry you. If you are put on the ground, see rule #2. Your parents are strong, and there's two of them. They can carry you forever. 



Rule #7 



Smack them around a little. 



Parents are under the false impression that we have very little control over our arms and legs. Use this to your advantage! Every now and then, just randomly slap them in the face, and then smile and laugh. They may curse a little, but I guarantee no harm will come to you. They are powerless against the smile and laugh combination. 



Rule #8 



Women and grandparents love babies. 



Capturing this key demographic can bring you joys beyond your wildest expectations. Toys, food, and attention can all be yours when you manipulate this segment of the population. Grampa will even let you watch the Playboy channel if nobody else is around!! 



Rule #9 



Siblings exist for your amusement. 



Your brothers and sisters are the court jesters in your vast kingdom. They are there for your personal entertainment, and nothing more. Laugh at their crazy antics, but the moment they get out of line with that "the baby gets all the attention" crap, pull their hair. One word of warning though. Make sure a parent is nearby when you do this, as siblings are immune to your cute defense mechanisms. Be sure to cry, so your parent is alerted to your mortal danger. 



Rule #10 



No private time. 



This is perhaps the most important rule of them all. Do not let your parents have private time! If you hear these evil words uttered, alarms should go off in your head. Nothing good can come from private time. At the very least, private time rejuvenates them, making them more resistant to your powers. And in the worst possible scenario, private time could lead to a new baby replacing you as the ruler of the house! This event needs to be stopped at all costs!! 



That's it, troops. Follow these simple rules and you should have a long and fruitful reign as ruler of your household. 



You have the power!! 
ArcaMax

Smart baby:

My favorite baby video:



















It was a whole lot easier to get older than wiser----Carol Wyer (& fishducky)


 

Friday, January 26, 2018

THE PET AND THE PENDULUM














reworked from a march, 2013 post.

I think there are entirely too many "Fido's" & "Fluffy's"  out there.  I'm not objecting to the number of dogs & cats--just their names.  We say they're just like members of our families & we wouldn't name our baby "Baby", so why don't we put more time & effort into choosing our pet's names?  There are hundreds of names, which, with minor adjustments, would work beautifully.

If your pet shows artistic talent, may I suggest Picatso, Salvador Doggy or Hieronymus Barks?

An animal that insists on having its own way could be Cattitude or Dogmatic.

One that displays a literary bent  might like to be Edgar Allan Poodle, Oedipus Rex, Winnie the Pooper or even Dog Quixote.

If he loves curling up with you & watching Netflix movies, some good choices might be Ben Purr, Edward Scissorclaws, Hairy Potter, Farticus (This name is usually reserved for older rescue dogs), The Purrminator, or Dogzilla.

A kitty who resembles a statue by sitting absolutely still would obviously be Catatonic.

A hearty eater could be Corndog, Catbury Chocolate (for brown cats only), Frank Furter (for wiener dogs/dachshunds only) or Chicken Poodle Soup.

If your pet doesn't like to stay at home, how about Africat, Catmandu, Genghis Khat or Barko Polo?

A dog who is interested in redesigning your yard should be Tommy Holedigger.

It might be possible for your dog to get on TV if he were named Anderson Pooper.

For a pet with the stuff that legends are made of, there's Purrsephone or Sir Prancelot.

He might bring in a few extra dollars if he were a Telebarketer.

If you think he's cat or dog enough to run the country, have you considered Chairman Meow or Bark Obama?

I just heard there is a REAL field champion labrador retriever named Debbie Does Ducks.

If none of these names appeal to you, you could name your furry family member At Random (so you could tell people you just named him At Random), Dammit (so you could say, "Come, Dammit" or "Sit, Dammit") or Peeve (so you could introduce him by saying, "This is my pet, Peeve.")

Some appropriate quotes:

"One reason a pet can be such a comfort to you when you're feeling blue is that he doesn't try to find out why."
--Source unknown

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
--Ann Landers

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
--Rita Rudner

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at absolutely nothing right in your ear."
--Dave Barry


PS--Just got this email--in case you're up to reading some more:

Dogs come when you call them.  Cats take a message & get back to you when they're good & ready.

Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire.  Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.  

Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper.  Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon.  Cats will take a 3 hour nap.

Dogs will sit on the seat next to you in your car.  Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

Dogs will greet you & lick your face when you come home from work.  Cats will be angry that you went to work at all.

Dogs will sit, lie down & heel on command.  Cats will smirk & walk away.

Dogs will tilt their heads & listen whenever you talk.  Cats will yawn & close their eyes.

Dogs will give you unconditional love forever.  Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.









Imagine that you are a singer & that you accompany yourself on the piano. 
You have a small dog who is your constant companion.  
He always sits & watches as you rehearse. 
Now imagine that you must be away for a couple of hours.  
You leave the dog alone at home.  
You can't imagine what causes the neighbors to complain while you're gone,
 so you set up a nanny-cam.
(The owner was not at home when this was recorded.)


                                        Sometimes dogs & cats have to work together.
This is called, "How to get your cat inside".

woof, woof, arf, arf and meow----fishducky