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Monday, April 30, 2018

MORE JOYS OF JUDAISM


Before anyone accuses me of being anti-Semitic,
am Jewish & I think this stuff is funny!!


(Reworked from a whole bunch of old posts.)


Susan (I Think, therefore I Yam) sent me the following quotes by famous Jews:

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays. [Henny Youngman]

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, if the man is Jewish. [Jules Farber]

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?  [Shalom Aleichem]

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. [Calvin Trillin]

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!  {Golda Meir]

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. [Benjamin Disraeli]

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it. [Sam Levenson]

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I had lost exactly two weeks.  [Joe E. Lewis]

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.  [Sam Goldwyn]

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.  [Sam Goldwyn]

Everybody likes a kidder, but no one loans him money.  [Arthur Miller]

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.  [Jackie Mason]

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying. [Woody Allen]

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? [Groucho Marx]

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. [Oscar Levant]

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.  [George Burns]

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.  [Mort Sahl]

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.  [Milton Berle]

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.  [Sam Goldwyn]

She also sent me these:

MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
“I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO¹S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"A ceiling you paint?  Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?  Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?" 

NAPOLEON¹S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!" 

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"Again with that hat!  Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" 

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn it off already and go to sleep!" 

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER: 
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!" 

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert!  Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica." 

These are from my cousin Sid:


Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days--Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Alan King, the Marx Brothers and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor?  Not a single swear word in their comic routines like today…………..


* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?” The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 



* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! 


* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does. 

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

 
* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.   Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"


 * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I AM 60!"  Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" 


* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"


* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears".  Doctor: "Don't answer!"


* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.  "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from either law or medical school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
 A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.


*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
 A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."


*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
 A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.


*A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"  Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak.” The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.  "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? “The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
 


*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner; take it or leave it.


*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." 

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
 A: Under the vacuum cleaner.


*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.  I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."


*Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.



*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one.  The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?" 


*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."  "Force yourself," she replied.

*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
 A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.


*Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

 A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that’s not 20% off. 

And my favorite:

*Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to!!


Joe (joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com) sent me this:
The Mexican maid asked her Jewish employer for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first eez that I iron better than you."

Jewish Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

J. W.: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

J. W.: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban did."

J. W., increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason eez that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

J. W., really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

J. W.: "So, Maria, how much do you think would be fair?"















 




Friday, April 27, 2018

SWEARING IN 1875




(From curiousity.com)
Did your mom ever wash your mouth out with soap when you were a rambunctious little scamp? If she did, you definitely know the childish joy of discovering "bad" words for the first time. Naughty language isn't a modern novelty, and a 1785 dictionary of vulgarities proves it. These bad words of the past aren't very taboo these days — just hilarious, and surprisingly important.

The Cool Kids' Dictionary
"A Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue" is, fortunately, exactly what it sounds like. Created in 1785 by Francis Grose, this book is a collection of more goofy vulgarities than you could ever come up with. Grose created his repository after being inspired, in a way, by Samuel Johnson's great "Dictionary of the English Language," published in 1755. Johnson left out a heaping pile of slang words and phrases that he didn't consider worthy. Grose, on the other hand, wanted to give those stragglers a home. And we're glad he did.
"He too was a lexicographer, and his achievements equally extraordinary," British language expert Susie Dent tells BBC Culture. "The two men even shared the same ambition: to record faithfully the English of their day. Yet their focus couldn't have been more different."
The Hero We Didn't Know We Needed
Slang words and vulgar terms may not belong in a proper dictionary, but they're just as much a part of everyday speech as any dictionary word. And that's why Grose's contributions, while seemingly silly, are valuable. (Quick shoutout to Grose's assistant Tim Cocking, too). According to the British Library, "Grose was one of the first lexicographers to collect slang words from all corners of society, not just from the professional underworld of pickpockets and bandits." He was also one of the first writers to really explore popular culture at that time, Dent tells BBC Culture: "His was the first real 'underground' dictionary, compiled on evidence from the streets rather than the pages of literary works."
Though a lot of the phrases in this delightfully crude collection are old beyond recognition, there are familiar phrases in there too. As the BBC reports, Grose was the first to record the phrases "fly-by-night," "birds of a feather," "cat call," "kick the bucket," "chatterbox," "gibberish," and many others that probably wouldn't exist today had it not been for him. In the category of unlikely heroes, Grose is a standout.
The Other F Word
And now for some wonderful examples of vulgar words and phrases from Grose's famous work. If you want to read the whole thing, it's all been scanned here by the UK's Wellcome Library.
·         Bum fodder: toilet paper
·         To cascade: to vomit
·         Mutton-headed: stupid
·         Double jugg: a man's bottom
·         Fart catcher: a valet or footman
·         Admiral of the narrow seas: "One who from drunkenness vomits into the lap of the person sitting opposite him"
·         Cake: a foolish man
·         To screw: to copulate (Sound familiar?)
·         Kettle drums: a woman's breasts
·         Eternity box: a coffin
·         Pissing pins and needles: to have gonorrhea
·         Gambs: thin, ill-shaped legs
·         Hoggish: rude and filthy
·         Jack weight: a fat man
·         Looking as if one could not help it: a simpleton
·         Owl in an ivory bush: someone wearing a frizzy wig
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For a guide to modern swearing in foreign languages click here.

To see a lovely video on the power of words (not swearing) click here. 

 




Wednesday, April 25, 2018

THE 2018 DARWIN AWARDS


Honoring Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool--by removing themselves from it.

2018 Darwin Awards

                           Karmic Valentine Schadenfreude
2018 Darwin Award Winner

(14 February 2018, Berlin) A 19-year-old and his soon-to-be-ex were walking along the beautiful Havel River, quarreling. Unable to win his conversational point, the frustrated man suddenly shoved the woman into the icy river, jumping in to push her under again and again!!

But she could swim. He could not..
.
She swam safely to land and quickly recovered from hypothermia. He sank and lost consciousness in the 2°C waters, forever forgetting the quarrel, and was pulled out by water police and transported to Charité Virchow Clinic in Berlin. The attacker fell into a coma, and an arrest warrant was issued against him for "attempted homicide for low motives" (in German, "Versuchten Heimtückemordes aus niederen Beweggründen.")


The crime was committed on December 19th, and the perpetrator died on February 14th--an ironic date indeed--from irreversible brain damage.

Usually no Darwin Award is granted when an innocent bystander is injured. In this case we make a rare exception, because the woman fully recovered (and is perforce better off without this madman) while the diabolical and drowned deed-doer was Darwinian-dumb.
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Abu Hamam

2018 Darwin Award Winner

(30 January 2018, Gaza) A sexagenarian was examining his personal weapon in his home when he inadvertently discharged it into his face! Twenty-one days after accidentally shooting himself, Abu Hamam, 62, succumbed to the self-inflicted head-bang and died clutching a Darwin Award. But, who is Abu Hamam?

Abu is known to the world as Imad al-Alami, a founding member of Hamas, a militant group that has been the de facto governing authority of the Gaza Strip since 2007. Mr Alami served as Hamas' main envoy to Iran, a military and financial backer, during several wars with Israel. Although declared a specially designated global terrorist by the United States, in recent years Abu Hamam was a key negotiator in Hamas ceasefire talks with Israel, and in the 2011 release of a captured Israeli soldier.

"Hamas was Abu Hamam and Abu Hamam was Hamas," said Hamas Politburo Chief Haniyeh. One would assume that a senior member of Hamas knows how to handle a gun--yet Abu's incautious "personal weapons inspection" was unexpectedly daft. This Darwin Award's for you, Mr. Hamam.
---------------------------------------------


Road-Rage-Aholics
2018 Darwin Award Winner

February 2018, Poland) Darwin Double! After a road collision near Stary Krzew, two men emerged from their damaged cars and began arguing. The argument grew into a physical fight...then shrank down to bloodstains on the asphalt when the men lurched into the adjacent lane of traffic. A lorry weighed in on the fight, permanently terminating the road-rage between a 29-year-old from Krakow and a 40-year-old from Zambrów,

Victims of their own aggression, the men are Poster Children for Meditation Outreach.
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Some survived:

Nine Small Lines 
2018 At-Risk Survivor

(2 January 2018, Perth, Australia) Nine tourists, a hotel room, a mail delivery of a plain package from a foreign country containing a mysterious white powder labelled SCOOP. What would you do with mystery powder?

No one had ordered the substance delivery from New York and no one knew what SCOOP was yet they decided it might be cocaine. The nine tourist backpackers divided the powder equitably into nine small lines and did something crazy! They snorted it.

Professor Steve Alsopp said, "When you don't know what's in a drug, that will significantly increase the risk." Words to remember! Hallucinations started straightaway, faces felt like they were melting off, and within ten minutes most were unconscious. Authorities arrived to find bodies everywhere, senseless or suffering seizures. Apparently it was quite a sight.
Seven men and two women were sent to three different medical facilities for emergency care. That mysterious white powder, delivered by surprise to the residence, was Scopolamine. Also known as Hyoscine, the drug is produced from plants of the nightshade family and used to treat motion sickness and postoperative nausea and vomiting. It is also used in crime to lower the ability of a victim to resist criminal aggression. 

Six 'snorters' were released from hospital the next day, and three remained under medical care. Each of the nine knot-heads is headed for a Darwin Award. Until then, we salute their addled spirit of adventure with an Honorable Mention.
-------------------------------------------------

And from 2017:

 Shit A Brick...
2017 At-Risk Survivor

Monumentally incredible stupidity verified in a respected medical journal!! A 20-year-old man arrived at the emergency room complaining of rectal pain. Abdominal films revealed a radiopaque object in the lower rectum. A spherical radiolucency was noted in the upper pole of the mass.

Upon questioning, the patient said that he had been fooling around with a close friend. After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet up the wall while his friend poured the slurry through a funnel into his rectum.
Under general anesthesia, the mass was delivered without incident. Examination of the specimen revealed a perfect concrete cast of the rectum, measuring 12x7x5cm and weighing 275g. A layer of concrete was chipped off the upper part of the specimen revealing a white plastic ping-pong ball--the radiolucency observed in the 
 abdominal x-ray.

The cement was an attempt to retrieve a ping pong ball! Blood alcohol level was negative. The attending physician recommended a psychiatric consultation, but the patient declined.