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Wednesday, April 25, 2018

THE 2018 DARWIN AWARDS


Honoring Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool--by removing themselves from it.

2018 Darwin Awards

                           Karmic Valentine Schadenfreude
2018 Darwin Award Winner

(14 February 2018, Berlin) A 19-year-old and his soon-to-be-ex were walking along the beautiful Havel River, quarreling. Unable to win his conversational point, the frustrated man suddenly shoved the woman into the icy river, jumping in to push her under again and again!!

But she could swim. He could not..
.
She swam safely to land and quickly recovered from hypothermia. He sank and lost consciousness in the 2°C waters, forever forgetting the quarrel, and was pulled out by water police and transported to Charité Virchow Clinic in Berlin. The attacker fell into a coma, and an arrest warrant was issued against him for "attempted homicide for low motives" (in German, "Versuchten Heimtückemordes aus niederen Beweggründen.")


The crime was committed on December 19th, and the perpetrator died on February 14th--an ironic date indeed--from irreversible brain damage.

Usually no Darwin Award is granted when an innocent bystander is injured. In this case we make a rare exception, because the woman fully recovered (and is perforce better off without this madman) while the diabolical and drowned deed-doer was Darwinian-dumb.
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Abu Hamam

2018 Darwin Award Winner

(30 January 2018, Gaza) A sexagenarian was examining his personal weapon in his home when he inadvertently discharged it into his face! Twenty-one days after accidentally shooting himself, Abu Hamam, 62, succumbed to the self-inflicted head-bang and died clutching a Darwin Award. But, who is Abu Hamam?

Abu is known to the world as Imad al-Alami, a founding member of Hamas, a militant group that has been the de facto governing authority of the Gaza Strip since 2007. Mr Alami served as Hamas' main envoy to Iran, a military and financial backer, during several wars with Israel. Although declared a specially designated global terrorist by the United States, in recent years Abu Hamam was a key negotiator in Hamas ceasefire talks with Israel, and in the 2011 release of a captured Israeli soldier.

"Hamas was Abu Hamam and Abu Hamam was Hamas," said Hamas Politburo Chief Haniyeh. One would assume that a senior member of Hamas knows how to handle a gun--yet Abu's incautious "personal weapons inspection" was unexpectedly daft. This Darwin Award's for you, Mr. Hamam.
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Road-Rage-Aholics
2018 Darwin Award Winner

February 2018, Poland) Darwin Double! After a road collision near Stary Krzew, two men emerged from their damaged cars and began arguing. The argument grew into a physical fight...then shrank down to bloodstains on the asphalt when the men lurched into the adjacent lane of traffic. A lorry weighed in on the fight, permanently terminating the road-rage between a 29-year-old from Krakow and a 40-year-old from Zambrów,

Victims of their own aggression, the men are Poster Children for Meditation Outreach.
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Some survived:

Nine Small Lines 
2018 At-Risk Survivor

(2 January 2018, Perth, Australia) Nine tourists, a hotel room, a mail delivery of a plain package from a foreign country containing a mysterious white powder labelled SCOOP. What would you do with mystery powder?

No one had ordered the substance delivery from New York and no one knew what SCOOP was yet they decided it might be cocaine. The nine tourist backpackers divided the powder equitably into nine small lines and did something crazy! They snorted it.

Professor Steve Alsopp said, "When you don't know what's in a drug, that will significantly increase the risk." Words to remember! Hallucinations started straightaway, faces felt like they were melting off, and within ten minutes most were unconscious. Authorities arrived to find bodies everywhere, senseless or suffering seizures. Apparently it was quite a sight.
Seven men and two women were sent to three different medical facilities for emergency care. That mysterious white powder, delivered by surprise to the residence, was Scopolamine. Also known as Hyoscine, the drug is produced from plants of the nightshade family and used to treat motion sickness and postoperative nausea and vomiting. It is also used in crime to lower the ability of a victim to resist criminal aggression. 

Six 'snorters' were released from hospital the next day, and three remained under medical care. Each of the nine knot-heads is headed for a Darwin Award. Until then, we salute their addled spirit of adventure with an Honorable Mention.
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And from 2017:

 Shit A Brick...
2017 At-Risk Survivor

Monumentally incredible stupidity verified in a respected medical journal!! A 20-year-old man arrived at the emergency room complaining of rectal pain. Abdominal films revealed a radiopaque object in the lower rectum. A spherical radiolucency was noted in the upper pole of the mass.

Upon questioning, the patient said that he had been fooling around with a close friend. After stirring a batch of concrete mix, the patient laid on his back with his feet up the wall while his friend poured the slurry through a funnel into his rectum.
Under general anesthesia, the mass was delivered without incident. Examination of the specimen revealed a perfect concrete cast of the rectum, measuring 12x7x5cm and weighing 275g. A layer of concrete was chipped off the upper part of the specimen revealing a white plastic ping-pong ball--the radiolucency observed in the 
 abdominal x-ray.

The cement was an attempt to retrieve a ping pong ball! Blood alcohol level was negative. The attending physician recommended a psychiatric consultation, but the patient declined.

21 comments:

  1. The final cartoon is spot on.
    The Darwin Arwards are always enjoying in this house. Perhaps because our days of epic stupidity teamed with risk taking are largely over. I think. I hope.

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  2. I am lucky enough to have survived several potential award winning stunts when I was a little younger.

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  3. The first mentioned and the last one made me feel really good. So deserving of the award.

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  4. Darwin and Karma were related thank goodness.
    I agree with EC. That last one really says it all.

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  5. You're evolving too fast. Love that one.

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  6. I love the darwin awards!! The cartoons were great, too.

    Hope all went well and your sweetie is back home. :)

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    1. He came home yesterday, thank God!!

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    2. I'd forgotten, glad to hear he is home :)

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  7. Maybe those guys were in the middle of a game of ping pong, and didn't have another ball!

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    1. It COULD have been something important like that!!

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  8. "Go back, we f***ed up everything" if only we could start over while remembering just how we f***ed up.

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    1. We'd need more of that RARE commodity; common sense!!

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  9. A bright bright spot when I really need to see one. Thanks!

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.