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Monday, May 21, 2018

A FUNNY 5 YEAR OLD (& HER SISTERS)

One of the best things about kids is how funny they can be. Comedy writer James Breakwell knows a lot about having daughters — he should, he has four of them under the age of 8. He tweets using the name @xplodingunicorn, and often uses Twitter to share the conversations he has with this kids, especially his 5-year-old (or, at least, one who is five at the time of the tweet — not always the same daughter, given the dates of the tweets. Maybe 5 is just the funniest age?). The tweets often go viral, because of how hilarious they are. Here's a sampling of some of the best ones:


Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.

[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.

5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me: I read her the instructions.

Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.

5-year-old: *won't get out of bed*
Me: I don't want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.

5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.

Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.

Me: You're still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I'll get dressed soon.
Me: It's 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don't rush me.

Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It's going to be a long night.

5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn't know that.

Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You're still in bed.
5: I'm sleeping faster.

5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.


5-year old: I'm not scared of monsters when I'm with you.
Me: Well, thanks.
5: They'll eat you first because you're fatter.

And from her older sister:

And from me:












 




24 comments:

  1. That five year old is going to be a force to be reckoned with. More of a force to reckon with.

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    Replies
    1. Mathematically, she'll be a force squared (or maybe cubed)!!

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  2. These are great, thank you :)
    In our house, Ninjas didn't stand a chance, "someone else" always ate all the biscuits.

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  3. What a scream. My young nieces and nephews have said some classic sayings.

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  4. Ha ha, by the time James gets all four grown up, he just may understand women.

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  5. These were great! The five-year-old quotes were almost enough for me to sign up fr twitter. Almost. ;)

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    Replies
    1. I only blog and watch youtube videos. That's plenty for me--too much. You Tube can be quite the rabbit hole for me--I can't imagine if I was on facebook, pinterest, instagram, twitter, and all the rest! I'd become a growth on my laptop.

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  6. Ok thanks for making me laugh, children are so bloody funny

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  7. Those are hilarious. At our house, it was "NOT ME" who ate the last of everything, or made a mess and didn't clean it up.

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  8. The 5 year old is going to be doing stand-up some day.

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  9. Dear Fishducky, I so agree with josh--that writer has stand-up comics in his family! You know I do think that maybe 5-year-olds have a wisdom that comes out as truly humorous to those of us who have lived a little! Peace.

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    Replies
    1. 5 year olds haven't yet experienced most of the bad parts of life!!

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  10. Funny one.... I loved them--especially the 5 yr. old's thoughts.... ha ha ... Made me smile this morning --although I woke up grumpy because I didn't sleep well... This post made me happy again!!!! Thanks.
    Hugs,
    Betsy

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  11. My mom didn't seem to think that my sisters and I were funny. We probably weren't.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Well, I certainly am. I'm not so sure about my sisters.

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.