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Wednesday, June 20, 2018

FAIRY TALES IN 50 WORDS OR LESS (VOLUME 1) or SHORT ARTICLES FROM THE ONCEUPONA TIMES (THANKS, VAL)







(Reworked from a 2/2015 post.)


SLEEPING BEAUTY

Once upon a time a beautiful young girl took a bite out of an apple that had a curse on it.  She could only be awakened by the kiss of her true love.  She had been asleep for years &, of course, hadn't brushed her teeth.  Prince Charming bent over to kiss her, got a whiff of her breath & left.  She’s still asleep!!


SNOW WHITE & THE SEVEN DWARFS

While wandering through the woods, a nubile young thing came across the house where seven dwarfs lived.  She asked them if she could stay if she cleaned the house, cooked & performed other services for them.  She serviced them all & to this day, Grumpy is no longer grumpy!!




CHICKEN LITTLE

Something hit Chicken Little in the head, so she assumed the sky was falling.  She warned Ducky Lucky, Goosey Lucy & all her other friends.  On their way to tell the king the sky finished falling & killed them all!!




HUMPTY DUMPTY

A hard boiled egg was sitting on a wall & rolled off.  His shell cracked but the rest of him was still edible.  He was chopped, mixed with mayonnaise & celery & made into a delicious egg salad.




HANSEL & GRETEL

A brother & sister were walking & found a witch’s house, which was made of candy.  They ate the porch & then reported her to the building department, which made her tear it down because it wasn’t up to code.


RAPUNZEL

A lovely girl with unbelievably long hair was imprisoned in a doorless tower.  The only way someone could visit was to have her drop her hair out the window & then climb up it.  A handsome prince did that & they fell in love.  When he came back, he asked her to let her hair down so he could climb again.  She said she couldn’t because she hadn’t been able to resist the discount she was offered on a postcard from Super Cuts.  That was several years ago & her hair only now reaches her shoulders.


THE UGLY DUCKLING

One day a mother duck laid a whole bunch of eggs.  When they hatched, they were all adorable except one.  When his brothers & sisters made fun of him & called him ugly because of his long neck, he told them he was a swan & would be handsome as an adult.  When he grew up, he eventually realized he was just an ugly duck with a long neck.



THE GINGERBREAD MAN

A crazy cookie was running through the streets yelling, "Run, run, run, as fast as you can.  You can't catch me--I'm the Gingerbread Man!!"  He was wrong--& delicious!!



JACK & THE BEANSTALK

Jack, one child of a large family, took a cow into town to sell it to buy food for his many sisters & brothers.  Instead, he traded it for some magic beans which his mother angrily threw out. The next day he climbed a beanstalk which had magically grown overnight.  He encountered a giant who ate him.  Fortunately, with him gone, his mother could afford to feed the remaining children.



GOLDILOCKS

A blonde broke into the home of three bears & ate their porridge.  She then took a nap in one of their three beds.  The bears came home & found her sleeping.  They immediately called the police, who arrested her.  She had a jury trial, was found guilty of criminal trespass & is now serving 10 to 20 years in the state prison. 




































AND A POEM :

JACK AND JILL

Jack and Jill went up the hill,
They each had a buck and a quarter.
They both fell down,
And I don’t know what happened,
But Jill came home with $2.50.



Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing----Conan O'Brien (& fishducky)


 


14 comments:

  1. Your versions make a HEAP more sense.
    And I do love Calvin. Thank you.

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  2. I like your versions. Poor Goldilocks in the State Prison where she CAN'T get her bed or her porridge just as she likes it.

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  3. I wondered a few of these things about fairy tales as a pragmatic child. Giggles today--thanks! :)

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    Replies
    1. Mine are the way they SHOULD have been!!

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  4. They all make a heap more sense your way.

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  5. Better reading than the originals!

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  6. Imagine the hairnet Rapunzel would need if she worked in food service! Prior to her Super Cut, and the vacuum cleaner gig, of course.

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    Replies
    1. Do hairnets come in size xxxxlarge?

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Your comments make my day, which shows you how boring my life has become.