Monday, April 30, 2018


Before anyone accuses me of being anti-Semitic,
am Jewish & I think this stuff is funny!!

(Reworked from a whole bunch of old posts.)

Susan (I Think, therefore I Yam) sent me the following quotes by famous Jews:

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up. They have no holidays. [Henny Youngman]

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, if the man is Jewish. [Jules Farber]

God, I know we are your chosen people, but couldn't you choose somebody else for a change?  [Shalom Aleichem]

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. [Calvin Trillin]

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!  {Golda Meir]

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me. [Benjamin Disraeli]

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it. [Sam Levenson]

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I had lost exactly two weeks.  [Joe E. Lewis]

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.  [Sam Goldwyn]

An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.  [Sam Goldwyn]

Everybody likes a kidder, but no one loans him money.  [Arthur Miller]

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.  [Jackie Mason]

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying. [Woody Allen]

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution? [Groucho Marx]

A politician is a man who will double cross that bridge when he comes to it. [Oscar Levant]

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.  [George Burns]

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.  [Mort Sahl]

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.  [Milton Berle]

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth, even if it costs them their jobs.  [Sam Goldwyn]

She also sent me these:

"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

“I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

"A ceiling you paint?  Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?  Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?" 

"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!" 

"Again with that hat!  Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?" 

"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb.  Now turn it off already and go to sleep!" 

"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!" 

"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

"Desert, schmesert!  Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica." 

These are from my cousin Sid:

Remember the old-time Jewish comedians of Vaudeville days--Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, Alan King, the Marx Brothers and others? You may have only heard of them, but don't we all miss their kind of humor?  Not a single swear word in their comic routines like today…………..

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?” The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! 

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife does. 

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.  My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.  She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.   Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

 * Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"  Patient: "I AM 60!"  Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?" 

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears".  Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.  "The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

*Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

*The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.  The study revealed that the reason for this is because Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from either law or medical school.

*Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
 A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

*Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
 A: It's called, "Debbie Does Dishes."

*Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
 A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

*A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"  Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak.” The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.  "The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? “The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

*A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner; take it or leave it.

*A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband.” The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." 

*Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
 A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

*Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
 A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark.  I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

*Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

*A Jewish mother gives her son a blue shirt and a brown shirt for his birthday. On the next visit, he wears the brown one.  The mother says, "What's the matter already? Didn't you like the blue one?" 

*Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."  "Force yourself," she replied.

*Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
 A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

*Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

 A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that’s not 20% off. 

And my favorite:

*Q: Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
A: Because they want to!!

Joe (joeh-crankyoldman.blogspot.com) sent me this:
The Mexican maid asked her Jewish employer for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first eez that I iron better than you."

Jewish Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

J. W.: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

J. W.: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban did."

J. W., increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason eez that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

J. W., really boiling now and through gritted teeth: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did."

J. W.: "So, Maria, how much do you think would be fair?"